Signs

I've been contemplating whether or not I believe in signs. I heard in a movie once that all good signs come in threes. Right now I am so torn, and it's all over this UCLA interview. I want more than anything to go, but I pretty much have been back and forth about whether or not I'll actually make it simply because it is so friggin expensive.

Last time I checked with myself the answer was a definite no. But then I've been getting these little signs, that maybe I should go. First I was in the OR last night and in walks the circulating nurse with a "UCLA Nursing" lanyard around her neck. Then today I had the most fabulous day in the NICU, which is one of the units I'm scheduled to interview for. Like I can totally see myself doing that as a career. It felt...I don't know, RIGHT. Like home. Like that is what I'm supposed to be doing for the rest of my life.

One more "sign" and I figure I absolutely MUST go!! The price is killer though, so I don't know if it's finacially feasible [especially if I spend all that money and don't get it], but I really really want to now. The way I see it I have like two maybe three more days to decide... so I hope the decision comes easily between now and then. I hate to say this, but I'm going to go to bed and pray about it. Please Lord: if this job is good for me, if it's meant, if it's what you have planned for me, please make this whole trip and interview business happen. Thanks, MsLL.

Me, Lately...

Thursday ruined my life. This weekend totally made up for it. Let's just say I've been totally overwhelmed with life lately. School. Transplant Drama. Work. Graduation. Finding a job... Ugh it's all been just a bit much. Then Thursday seemed to be the straw that broke the camel's back.

Early Thursday morning I got a call from the Transplant Coordinator. And I do mean early. Early morning phone calls can never be good, especially from her. She who never calls. She had my lab results, from my second 24 hour urine. Still with the protein. At first she claimed it was from my period being on, but for the second time a whole week after the thing had come and gone, I am still pissing protein. And i.e. cannot be cleared for donation because duh, protein in your urine is not normal my kidneys might be failing. I broke down. Called my mom. She broke down. As if it isn't bad enough having to deal with the fact that hey, something might be wrong with my kidneys I also have to tell my brother, that I might not be able to donate to him.... Ugh. Thursday was soo not good.

What it all boils down to is, I have to do another 24 hour urine, just for them to be totally sure. Then if there's still protein there I'll be seeing a nephrologist to find out why. I hope it's all gone by....damn tomorrow. But who knows. I'm just going to try this whole thinking positive thing, and hope for the best. I really want to get this whole transplant business out of the way. I want to donate. I want it to all work out for my brother. I want him healthy again. The whole happily ever after you know.

Having said that, even if the protein is down to an acceptable level I doubt that they will let me donate over spring break which was the original game plan, so that frees some time for me to go to my interview at UCLA!!! Seems like the universe really wants me to make it. Hope the same goes for me actually getting the job and being able to accept and move out there. Life would once again make sense.

As for this weekend, I have done absolutely nothing for the entire thing. But lay in my bed, and watch movies. Yay for OC reruns. And yay for the mother helping me to complete the collection. I finally have the whole series, and can see how it all ended. It all makes me very excited for my interview, and the prospect of possible being a Cali girl one day. OMG imagine me, in LA. Don't mind if I do. Well my room, clothes, and the bathroom aren't going to clean themselves (although how awesome would it be if they would)....so I'm gone.

Tis The Season...

Ga! I love the friggin holidays! Thought I'd just put that out there. Not a big fan of the whole winter season but the holidays it brings...loves it! :"> Everything about this time of year makes me all warm and fuzzy inside. Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years... all such amazing ways to end the year. And with the year's end in mind I am getting so like overly excited for 2009...and more importantly graduation. 2009 just seems to be the beginning of the rest of my life...scary but exciting nonetheless. I am sooo ready [I think]. ;;)

So Grams is on board, she's all in with helping me learn to cook. Which is awesome because my new goal is to bring homeade deliciousness to my uncle's dinner this year. I shall not be outdone, and like I said before the time has definitely come. I found this cute little recipe website, I cannot wait!!! Speaking of the Uncles, though I have an affinity for the fairer sex, let's just say if I am ever to fall in love with a dude, I want him to be just like my uncles. I know they say girls fall in love with guys like their fathers...um, no thank you I'll definitely pass on that. I have the greatest uncles in the world. If I could get both of my uncles mixed into one male being, that's the kind of guy I'd want to spend the rest of my life with. :)

[a]-[d]-[d]-[e]-[d]

So I just applied for graduate nurse positions at both Cedars-Sinai & the UCLA Medical Center... I absolutely MUST get one of them. Please G-d make it happen, LA: oh how I crave thee!!!! :-SS

The Voice Within

I kinda...want to be THAT girl. A part of me does anyway.

I miss my dad and my sisters, just a bit. I wish he wasn't such a fucktard worthless peice of shit for a father. I wish he could be the dad to me that he is to them. Saw his sister in the market yesterday, wasn't a good deal. I miss the way that it used to be, even if it was unreal.

I can't really talk shit on them anymore. I'm so much like them, undercover. It would kill my mother if she knew. That's why I don't want her to ever EVER find out. Ironic.

I have to get away from this place someday. It's fuggin stifling, is what it is. I hate being in this box. Hiding. & being fake. As in, you know...not me. Its hard to feel connected to people you know wouldn't love you if they knew the truth, the real you. Er.

I really need to start counting down the days until I can move to Cali again..that helped. I've been thinking about New York. It's a kick ass place I think. I could get used to the crowds but it's a little to close for comfort, if you know what I mean. So California it is.

Updating iTunes this very instant...music pretty much gets me by and has been getting me through for years now. Just keep it up. Just a little while longer. Don't know what I'd do without it. =[

Girl Crush vol. 1

While I'm not a huge fan of studz, there is much to be said about getting through all that tough exterior, stripping through that boyish wrapping to find a sexy body that's most definitely all girl underneath. Hmm... so deliciously erotic. ;-P




Loves it.

Quotish: "As soon as tongue hit clit I knew it wasn't yours...it wasn't perfect. I could pick your pussy out of a police lineup." ~Hanky Moody, Californication. He's baacckkk ladies and gentlemen!!! Boy I missed those quirky kick ass remarks. Totally awesome show. Check it. It's up on Fancast.com an entire day early. =)

California

For some weird and unknown reason... or one that's not so weird or unknown (if I'm being completely truthful) more than likely involving X-I recently let my dreams of graduating and moving to California down by the wayside.

Today I've realized and decided that it is absolutely imperative that I follow through, if for nothing more than my own peice of mind and personal growth. I am almost 100% positive that if I stay here...here being anywhere in the tristate area/eastern side of the United States my growth will be forever stunted && that simply will not do. :-/

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