Weary

Aww, I missed this. Blogging. This job is all consuming. I come home. Shower. Eat. Sleep. Wake up. Work. Repeat. Ugh yes, I have turned into a boring working woman, thanks for asking. Anyhow besides all that I have this nagging feeling that will NOT go away. I can't shake this feeling that I really, no like REALLY am ready for the dream. I wan't my movie script ending. To meet my soul mate. Fall madly in love. Get married. Move into our dream home. Have 2.5 children. Then of course, live happily ever after. Problem with that, it only happens in fairy tales, not REAL LIFE.

It's tough meeting THE ONE. I honestly don't even know if that sort of thing really exists. In real life you have to kiss a lot of frogs to meet a real prince. They are few and far in between, my friends. That's a lot of time and energy I honestly do not have. I'm not sure I'd have it even if I met my prince (although for HIM, I'd make time). I just feel like I have pretty much everything else I want in life, except well LOVE. Real love, the stuff dreams are made of.

Like India.Arie I AM READY FOR LOVE. "Whoever said love was over rated, must not be getting none. My independent days have had their fun, but when the day is over and the working day is done, I just want to come home to someone." (-Amel Larrieux) Not to mention I keep thinking of this little girl. I literally CANNOT get her off the brain. I even dream of her. This daughter I am supposed/want to have. I'm 24 and my biological clock is already ticking. What the hell?! But I want the dream, I have high expectations, and I refuse to settle for anything less than butterflies.

I don't want to be like everyone else my age just having kids for the fcuk of it. Who ever I bare a child for, you better believe I will bare his last name as well. I don't want to be my mother. And struggle as a single mother. I want to do things RIGHT. I want my children to grow up in a loving household with both of their parents. And so I wait, and I pray. I got the idea to make a list of everything I want my HIM to be and put it in my bible and let God find him for me, and that's exactly what I intend to do. I'm still working on the list but so far he is amazing on paper, hope there's someone out there for me who can measure up. Being not only everything I want but everything I need as well.

Later, Hater!!

I don't mean to sound like a snob or a bitch in this post but hey, it is what it is... I am 24 years old. I have a brand new career. An apartment. Bills. Responsibility. What I don't have is time for petty drama and gossip. It's one thing I keep noticing and have ever since I got this job and made my move is that I can no longer associate with the same calaber of people I once have. Some people are stuck [on stupid] and haven't displayed any growth the whole time that I have known them. They are content with where they are and what they have, and just because this is their reality I've noticed that they want me to be just like them... stuck.

But I refuse. My motto is and has always been "proceed, progress". Grow up and constanstly make change for the better. If your life isn't going according to plan don't sit there and settle then expect others to do the same, and then hate on them when they don't. Get off your ass, roll up your sleeves and get ready to put in work. The more successful I get these are the same folk looking and noticing that my life is on the up & up and wanting to bring me back down to their level. And boy are they reaching... trying to get their hands on anything that can pull me down. But believe you me, I've worked hard to be where I am at and to have what I have. I am to smart to ever let them catch me slipping. Even if I did, they would be some of the last if any to know. They will never knock my hustle.

Anyway, I'm just fed up with all the sneakiness, and underhanded hating... and despite all of that, I love them and wish them nothing but the best in all of their endeavors. I just know that I can no longer associate myself and be concerned with people like them. From here on out if you aren't bringing positivity and warm wishes my way then I really don't need you in my life. Plain and simple I'm over you. I'm surrounding myself with people who are on my level, people of substance. In other words, people who are about something other then causing drama and delivering hate and negativity in the lives of others. Jealously really is a sickness and I sincerely hope they get a life and get well soon... In the meantime [and Kanye said it best] I'm going to use their hate as the steam to power my dreams. HAHA!!!

Discouraged

I'm hyperventilating. I'm pretty much done with classes, graduation is about a month and some change away, and I still do not have a job. In the words of Tim Gunn, "this concerns me". I have an interview on Thursday, but I am like so discouraged. I want the job, but whether or not I'll get it is an entirely different story. All that think positive mumbo jumbo is going right out the window, I really doubt that I will get it. And with the week I am having I really cannot afford to waste time.

I'm going to go, I'm going to kick ass (I hope) I just hope it makes a difference. Like don't tell me I interview well, and then never call and/or turn me down for the job (ahem...clevelend!) I really don't want to get jerked around this time. I have been praying like crazy for G-d to send me a job offer, and then comes the phone call from this recruiter, so I hope this is it.

It will totally suck not to graduate with a job. And my mom made a good point, if I know where I'm going and what I'm doing that can kind of give people an idea for graduation gifts...like MONEY and stuff for my apartment, which I'm most definitely going to need. I'm just tired. Please g-d let this job be it. I don't know how much more I can take of this.

Life As I Know It

And now for another vol. of my weekly updates.

[-]I didn't get the job @ Cleveland Clinic. Bummer, but whatevs. I now have 2 new interviews pending...one in OH again this time in Columbus instead of Cleveland, and at the OH State University Hosp, instead of CCF. *Fingers cross, this one I'll get* Sue me, I happen to like Ohio. The other at the UCLA for L&D and NICU. Who knows if I'll actually make this one though. Oh and there's also an interview with Lehigh Valley pending...I have to call in schedule. But this one is most definitely a fall back position, considering it's in my current state. Who would have thought that Karen would be the first one to get a job. Never saw that one coming. 1 girlie down, the 3 of us to go.

[-]So after our meeting with the kidney transplant center, turns out that I'm a match for little bro (I happen to be the "universal donor") and we're currently in the process of me donating. If all goes well, the transplant will more than likely be at the end of this month or the very beginning of the next. Damn lately it seems like I stay under the knife. Everyone is making it out to be this really huge deal, I honestly don't get it. He's my brother why wouldn't I want to save his life? Not to quote Napolean Dynamite or anything but: "What the heck would you do in a situation like this?"

[-]My "donor" has taken to stalking me. I find it absolutely hilarious how in his mind, he's actually a good father. Truth of the matter is, he's a fucking dead beat and I will continue to treat him as such. He's dead to me. Needless to say I continue to ignore all his feeble attempts at contacting me. Funny how when graduation is near he all of a sudden wants to be a father. Where was he when I was about to get kicked out? No where to be found. Therefore as far as I'm concerned he got lost, and he can stay that way. Enough said.

[-]Work is work. TJ still sucks balls. But whatever it's money. Oh and this weekend working a double I actually met a guy. We've talked twice since, but I doubt it's going anywhere. And somehow I'm totally cool with that. Must be the Kiki in me, lol.

[-]School is still sucking the life outta me. This is a very rigorous semester. Nothing like senior year of high school, which was pretty much a fly by. It's kicking my ass but I'm weathering on. Speaking of which I have a bunch of studying to do, so I'm gone. Oy.... I just keep telling myself: 3 months and counting.

Me Being Totally Optimistic...

Though this thing with my mom has me still pretty much fugged up, one thing that I believe with my entire being is that EVERYTHING happens for a REASON. Everything is all part of his master plan. Yes, I am both hurt and angered at the same time I believe that G-d wouldn't be putting me through all of this if there wasn't a lesson to be learned, and new strength to be obtained. It may hurt now, but there is always a light at the tunnel's end.

My thoughts is that this whole situation has everything to do with me moving away post graduation. I need to learn to be more independent. This all has taught me that in order to survive in this world I need to be like an island. Standing on my own, totally independent of anyone else. Like Beyonce sang: "Me, Myself, and I-that's all I got in the end: that's what I found out. And it ain't no need to cry, I took a vow that from now on I'ma be my own best friend." It just hurts now because I feel like I'm loosing my mother and my best friend all in one fell swoop, but I'm counting on emerging from this a much better woman. I promise not to let this get the best of me.

Having said that, to aid in my efforts, I am about to engage in a shitload of retail therapy. It is just what the doctor ordered, and in perfect timing with the beginning of the [final..eek] Spring semester of school. I am so excited to buy my Uggs...they are all the cheering up I need. I mean a girl can't stand completely on her own without some fly footwear right? :D

Crazy Love. ♥

After much hesitance about writing this post, I've finally decided: whatever let me just put it out there in the universe. Lately I've been having this really yucky feeling of loneliness. In the past I've been all about my freedom and flying solo, standing alone, Ms. Independent...all of a sudden now, not so much. I want the movie script ending. To be in a relationship and fall head over heels in love.

To be completely addicted and committed. I want the impromptu missing you phone calls, and thinking of you texts. Dinner dates, and holding hands. Lazy kisses, lingering hugs, cuddling... nervous first time "I love you's", the breaking up then making up. I want it all.

Carrie B said it best, "I'm looking for love. Real love. Ridiculous, inconvenient, time consuming, can't-live-without each other love." But somehow, I don't think that kind of love exists for me in this shit hole city or state (or with a guy, if I'm being completely honest) :(

Girl Crush vol. 1

While I'm not a huge fan of studz, there is much to be said about getting through all that tough exterior, stripping through that boyish wrapping to find a sexy body that's most definitely all girl underneath. Hmm... so deliciously erotic. ;-P




Loves it.

Quotish: "As soon as tongue hit clit I knew it wasn't yours...it wasn't perfect. I could pick your pussy out of a police lineup." ~Hanky Moody, Californication. He's baacckkk ladies and gentlemen!!! Boy I missed those quirky kick ass remarks. Totally awesome show. Check it. It's up on Fancast.com an entire day early. =)