Switch Hitter

Maybe I really don't like boys. Maybe I'm a lesbian. I don't know...

One thing is for certain: I can't allow myself to be with a dude. Like everytime I think I want one and meet one I find the littlest shit to wind up disliking him over. I'm all interested at first but then as soon as he moves closer, I find myself automatically pulling away.

For some unknown reason, I just can't do men. How weird as that? Does that make me a lezzie fer shur? I say I'm bisexual because I mean I find guys attractive, I think they're sexy, I can easily be turned on by one but at the same time...they just don't do it for me. I doubt I'd be having any of these problems if a girl was involved.

So ultimately, what does that mean? I'm in no rush to be "labeled" either way, it isn't the title that concerns me I'm just sooo confused. Like can I ever really meet, get to know, like and love a guy, to settle down and be with for the duration. Or is my love reserved strictly for those of the fairer sex?

Sexy Bald Head

Everyones' going ape shit over the fact that Solange cut her hair. So the fugs what?! I for one think it looks good on her. It totally works. Stop hating. And for all those saying that she did it to stop being mistaken for Beyonce, you're wrong...so wrong.

Then again I may be a little biased considering my "she" has a bald head too. I don't know, all of a sudden I find women with bald heads soo cute. Something sexy about it. Don't tell me you don't think Amber Rose is gorge, and sexy as hell with her head all shaved.

As a matter of fact she's probably the one who started the attraction for me, because I was definitely on her when I saw her in Luda's "I Know What Them Girls Want" video. *drools*

God Hates My Life

...because I like girls.

I failed the NCLEX today. So disappointed (in myself) and hurt. It wasn't like I didn't study. I studied my ass off but that test was on some whole other ish.

It was seriously the hardest test I have ever taken in my life. Nothing could have prepared me for it. I feel like such an idiot. I've been crying ever since I left the building. My eyes hurt now, in addition to my brain and my heart. I'm sooo sad. So convinced that God has it in for me. I needed NOTHING more than to pass this test, get licensed and to get a job ASAP but noooo....

I swear he hates me, and I'm convinced it's because I like girls. *le sigh*

I Don't Want To Wait

in vain for your love. -Bob Marley

Still feeling like a shell of a person. I'm not back to being myself yet...

I miss the hell outta booski. I still wake up and go to bed thinking of her but the only difference from now and then is when I wake up I can't just step out onto my balcony and see her. I wake up and the depression of being totally without her settles in and follows me through the entire day.

I toss and turn all night dreaming of her, but at least I'm happy because in my dreams we're together. I feel so empty inside like there's a big part of me missing. I thought it would have passed by now, but maybe I really did leave my heart in Jamaica. It definitely feels that way.

I know what's meant to be, will be...but this loneliness is killing me. I don't even feel human anymore, just lost in this sea of sadness. That only lets up to make way for the feelings of loneliness to overcome me. I want/need her...but I wonder if any old one would do.

My mom is even starting to catch on that I'm different. She asked me yesterday was I depressed or sad about something. She said I was like a zombie. And I am. I didn't even eat yesterday or today, still not hungry. I blamed it on jet lag. Don't know what I'll say if she asks again today...

I just want to be back with her.

I Decided....

that you are the "her" for me.

I fell completely and madly in love... with a practical stranger. But from the first time I laid eyes on her I knew. My gaydar never sounded so loudly as it did the day I saw her. Ever since then I've been feeling so totally connected to her. I wake up thinking about her, I go to bed thinking about her. I'm in love, and I left my heart in Jamaica. It is literally killing me, it hurts like hell. Every time I think about how I left her I want to cry. I never felt this way about anyone before...

Bitch Fest...

I know I haven't been visiting and writing as much but life is all around pretty sucky right now. Well not really, but for this past week I've been feeling like ick, and before that I was just to damn busy. Maybe it's the weather, but I'm feeling hella depressed all of a sudden. I swear I have SAD (seasonal affective disorder), no joke. When the weather sucks, I pretty much suck right along with it. Anyhow I'm definitely feeling a little OWL. I'm broke, I'm lonely, and I'm hella stressed and annoyed about almost everything. A bitch on wheels is what I feel like.

It's a huge cycle of wretchedness. Like I need money so I need to work, but I hate my job, and I also don't really have the time to make the money I need anyhow, and I don't want to work those kind of hours anyways because I hate the whole atmosphere of TJ. But then it's like when I don't work I have to hear my mom bitch about devoting her whole check to bills, and paying for this and not having the money to pay for that and I mean I want to help but how can I when I have my own stuff going on, like bills, senior year, conventions, vacations, job searching.

Which brings me to my next point...grr, job searching. This fucking economy has even us nursing students STUCK. Like since when do nursing majors have to scrap for jobs? In the past hospitals used to be at our feet begging us to come work for them, throwing all kinds of incentives our way to get us in the door. Well those days are long gone, much to my dismay. I hate telling people I graduate in May and the next question out of their mouths is "Do you have a job yet?" Ummm....a big fat no!! I wish. I'm whoring myself out to every hospital, applying for units I have no interest in whatsoever just to find someone anyone who will take me. I honestly cannot graduate and not have a gig. I really and trully cannot afford it. And I mean school is drawing to a close quicker than I want to even acknowledge. It's all one big suckfest. And through it all I'm still trying to stay positive. Still trying to bust my ass and git r done, but I don't know. On days like this it all gets to be just a bit overwhelming...and I feel like the weight of the world is on my shoulder. Er.

Even my friends are starting to bother me, lord knows for the past two weeks I've been really wanting to KILL Cady. She's such a loud mouthed, attention craved BUTINSKI and I swear its been irking my SOUL. I love her to death but with the way I've been feeling I'm really not feeling her as of late. And I really haven't been wanting to mention it aloud but I'm really feeling lonely too. Like I want to be in love. With a girl, because God knows a boy just doesn't do it for me, romantically on that level...at least of late. The Officer I met that time at work called me some time ago, and I mean I could have feigned interest in him just to be involved with someone, but in my mind I know there's no chemistry and I just felt like ew, I don't really want to be in a relationship with a dude right now. Does that make me bisexual still? I don't even want to think about. It's just problems on top of problems. And I think I've bitched enough so I'm going to just leave it at that for now. Hope I can come back next time in a much better mood, with even better news.

Saving Face

I think my mom knows I like girls... She might not admit to it, or ever speak it aloud, but deep down inside I'm pretty sure she knows. That scares the shit out of me. I don't want her to know. EVER. The only way I'd feel comfortable with her knowing that I love la ladies, is if she could somehow find a way to be TOTALLY cool about it. To accept, and love me just the same. Only if, her knowing that I'm into girls was as if someone had told her I liked the color pink. No big deal, nothing for her to even bat an eyelash at.

This of course, will never EVER happen therefore I never EVER want her to know. I love her, I don't want her to hate me. Or to be ashamed of me, and what I am. I mean I sort of get the short end of the stick having to hide who/what I am, always living on edge terrified of her finding me out, but besides all of this I like our relationship just the way it is. I don't want it to change. And her knowing for fact that I am into females would change EVERYTHING. Who needs it? That's why I simply want to fade away to another state perhaps far across country, and live out that part of my life with her being absolutely none the wiser.

DENIED!!!

What it all boils down to is this: today I got rejected. The Doc called me and stopped beating around the bush, she gave me one big fat NO. I am not approved for kindey donation. It hurts. And yes, I did cry but I guess in the long run everything happens for a reason and this is what's best. They don't want to take one of my kidneys and risk that my kidneys may fail somewhere down the line. Especially because they have no idea whatsoever regarding the reason my brother's kidneys failed, and because I myself am spilling protein in my urine (which isn't normal) and again they don't know why. Whatever. I'm sad, but I am sort of ready to put this whole kidney business behind me I guess. I just want my brother to get a kidney and be healthy again. Can't be mine, so that sucks. But there's a bigger picture involved, so that's how it is and that's how it's going to be.

Earlier, after the doc called, and in between tears I got to thinking... the saddest thought ever. I am a kick ass sister, and daughter. I fought so hard to give my brother this peice of me. It hurts me to my soul that I can't. I have so much love for him that I would give him an organ, without question and yet... deep down inside I know that if he or my mom were to ever find out that I like girls, none of this would even matter. They'd hate me regardless. How fugged up is that? Now that this kidney drama has commenced (as far as I'm concerned) I have to seriously get back towards looking for a job. I have to get away. I have to move out on my own, to be the person that I truly am. I'm dying here, hiding and lying about who I am. I want to create my own life, and surround myself with people who love me regardless of who/what I am. I cancelled my California interview, but tomorrow I'll call and see what's up with Ohio State, and keep trying with National Children's Medical (my new first choice).

Man sometimes life can really throat punch the shit out of you. :(

Life As I Know It

And now for another vol. of my weekly updates.

[-]I didn't get the job @ Cleveland Clinic. Bummer, but whatevs. I now have 2 new interviews pending...one in OH again this time in Columbus instead of Cleveland, and at the OH State University Hosp, instead of CCF. *Fingers cross, this one I'll get* Sue me, I happen to like Ohio. The other at the UCLA for L&D and NICU. Who knows if I'll actually make this one though. Oh and there's also an interview with Lehigh Valley pending...I have to call in schedule. But this one is most definitely a fall back position, considering it's in my current state. Who would have thought that Karen would be the first one to get a job. Never saw that one coming. 1 girlie down, the 3 of us to go.

[-]So after our meeting with the kidney transplant center, turns out that I'm a match for little bro (I happen to be the "universal donor") and we're currently in the process of me donating. If all goes well, the transplant will more than likely be at the end of this month or the very beginning of the next. Damn lately it seems like I stay under the knife. Everyone is making it out to be this really huge deal, I honestly don't get it. He's my brother why wouldn't I want to save his life? Not to quote Napolean Dynamite or anything but: "What the heck would you do in a situation like this?"

[-]My "donor" has taken to stalking me. I find it absolutely hilarious how in his mind, he's actually a good father. Truth of the matter is, he's a fucking dead beat and I will continue to treat him as such. He's dead to me. Needless to say I continue to ignore all his feeble attempts at contacting me. Funny how when graduation is near he all of a sudden wants to be a father. Where was he when I was about to get kicked out? No where to be found. Therefore as far as I'm concerned he got lost, and he can stay that way. Enough said.

[-]Work is work. TJ still sucks balls. But whatever it's money. Oh and this weekend working a double I actually met a guy. We've talked twice since, but I doubt it's going anywhere. And somehow I'm totally cool with that. Must be the Kiki in me, lol.

[-]School is still sucking the life outta me. This is a very rigorous semester. Nothing like senior year of high school, which was pretty much a fly by. It's kicking my ass but I'm weathering on. Speaking of which I have a bunch of studying to do, so I'm gone. Oy.... I just keep telling myself: 3 months and counting.

Tis The Season...

Ga! I love the friggin holidays! Thought I'd just put that out there. Not a big fan of the whole winter season but the holidays it brings...loves it! :"> Everything about this time of year makes me all warm and fuzzy inside. Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years... all such amazing ways to end the year. And with the year's end in mind I am getting so like overly excited for 2009...and more importantly graduation. 2009 just seems to be the beginning of the rest of my life...scary but exciting nonetheless. I am sooo ready [I think]. ;;)

So Grams is on board, she's all in with helping me learn to cook. Which is awesome because my new goal is to bring homeade deliciousness to my uncle's dinner this year. I shall not be outdone, and like I said before the time has definitely come. I found this cute little recipe website, I cannot wait!!! Speaking of the Uncles, though I have an affinity for the fairer sex, let's just say if I am ever to fall in love with a dude, I want him to be just like my uncles. I know they say girls fall in love with guys like their fathers...um, no thank you I'll definitely pass on that. I have the greatest uncles in the world. If I could get both of my uncles mixed into one male being, that's the kind of guy I'd want to spend the rest of my life with. :)

[a]-[d]-[d]-[e]-[d]

So I just applied for graduate nurse positions at both Cedars-Sinai & the UCLA Medical Center... I absolutely MUST get one of them. Please G-d make it happen, LA: oh how I crave thee!!!! :-SS

What Happens in the 'burg Stays in the 'burg!

So I spent the past three days sleeping next to a beautiful woman & I'm probably one of the only people alive who says that and actually means "sleep". I've been well aware of my crush on G.G for awhile now and our little trip did not help the situation not one little bit. I am so attracted to her it's ridiculous. Sleeping in such close proximity and spending so much time with her over the past few days was absolutely brutal but alas I got through it just before falling madly in love with her and completely ruining our friendship by "accidently" touching her inappropriately during her sleep (totally joking about the last part, lol). /:)

Nevertheless Harrisburg was awesome. The convention was a bit draining but it was great to get away and cut loose. And when I say cut loose boy do I mean it. Thursday night was insane. My first time getting "white girl" wasted, and although I paid for it the next day with a wicked hangover, good times were had by all. La girlas are still laughing at my drunk ass. Supposedly Lady Gaga's "Just Dance" was meant for me that night. All I can say is thank God no one video taped, and what happens in the 'burg stays in the 'burg. Starting the night off with a drink that was practically all top shelf Tequila (Patrone) was a very bad choice. I was pretty much screwed from the very beginning. G.G followed suit and by the end of the night we were both giggling idiots, right before passing out on one another. :"> I wish I could say that was the first and the last time...but I'd probably be lying through my teeth. I had a blast and if I had to do it all over again I know I probably would.

In other news I met a shit load of potential employers at the career fair and my hope for my future in nursing has finally been restored. I am so excited to start applying, interviewing, and hopefully relocating. There are a bunch of in state hospitals I'm going to apply for but you know my real hope is to get one out of the tristate. I have a lot more hospitals to choose from, but much research is going to go into them all. Although they are out of state, some of the locations are iffy. It's weird that this is one of my priorities but I'm definitely looking to relocate somewhere with a prominent LGBT scene. This is why LA has always been my first choice. But I'm slowly coming to the realization that it's going to take some time before I'm able to afford to live in a place like Cali. DC doesn't seem like such a bad choice, and neither does B-More these days, but we shall see.

Crazy Love. ♥

After much hesitance about writing this post, I've finally decided: whatever let me just put it out there in the universe. Lately I've been having this really yucky feeling of loneliness. In the past I've been all about my freedom and flying solo, standing alone, Ms. Independent...all of a sudden now, not so much. I want the movie script ending. To be in a relationship and fall head over heels in love.

To be completely addicted and committed. I want the impromptu missing you phone calls, and thinking of you texts. Dinner dates, and holding hands. Lazy kisses, lingering hugs, cuddling... nervous first time "I love you's", the breaking up then making up. I want it all.

Carrie B said it best, "I'm looking for love. Real love. Ridiculous, inconvenient, time consuming, can't-live-without each other love." But somehow, I don't think that kind of love exists for me in this shit hole city or state (or with a guy, if I'm being completely honest) :(

Working the Weekend

I am sore. All over. At this point in time I would rather chop my hands, feet, and legs off then deal with the pain. I must have been crazy agreeing to work a 16 hour shift, my very first double. I'm sure my pockets will thank me in two weeks but right now by body is cursing me. I'm currently craving the hottest shower the body can stand but after washing my hands approximately 6 billion times this weekend, they're all chaffed, wrinkled, and burning...water is the last thing to help. My hands look like they belong to a 92 year old woman...not hot. If I never take another set of vital signs or do another accucheck, or make another bed or do another bath in life, I would not mind in the least. In fact, I could die happily. I think I've overdosed on work this weekend. As if I needed to hate my job anymore.

The only upside of killing myself this weekend was my newly developed crush. I don't even know her name but for now she's affectionately labeled hot resident lady. My god, she is gorgeous. I don't know if she only works the weekends, or is new to the trauma service but I have been head over heels since first glance. She spent a lot of time on the unit seeing patients and writing orders, and rounding and I spent a lot of time just watching, admiring, and swooning from afar. Creeper, right? I can't help it though. I cannot be blamed. She's like perfect. Tall. Tan. Cute short cut. Smart, obviously...I mean she's a Doctor. Not to mention she seems really sweet. Needless to say in addition to all the vitals, accuchecks, beds and baths there was tons of crushing going on as well. What can I say? I like her. I like her a lot. =D

And there was a total OMG moment this weekend as well.... I found out that one of the nurses on my floor: total lesbian. All this time, there's been family in the midst and I hadn't the slightest idea. Well maybe the slightest... I'm not all that shocked I mean I probably could have picked her out of our unit's lineup if there ever was one but still it was like weird. I never knew she was so OUT about it. That's cool though. To bad she's kind of a bitch...and so not one of my faves but she gets a few cool points for loving la ladies. Whatevs. I'm hurting and I have mucho school work to get through, so enough is enough, I'm peacin'.

Lesbian, MD

So today I had my first appointment with the new PCP, and I'm kind of hiding it from the mother. Shit would hit the fan if she knew being as though this woman is an OUT lesbian. Everyone in the community knows it, and silly me...I've been avoiding seeing her for like the longest time because of it. As if my going to her would somehow OUT me. Truth of the matter is lesbian or not she's a really nice person, and from all that I've seen today a really good doctor. Her being invested in helping me to be healthy and stay healthy is all that mattered to me in choosing her, seeing as though it's not like she's young or hot. I had a doctor that was pretty much impossible to see without waiting months for an appointment so finally I said screw it, and picked Dr. Lez.

Of course there was the prerequisite nervousness I always feel when I'm around lesbians... I always feel so weird around other women lovers like they can somehow smell the gay in me. I know I'm completely insane but I'm always fearful that their gaydays are sounding loud and proud whenever I get within a five foot radius of them. This wouldn't always necessarily be a bad thing especially considering the fact that this could attract really great potential, but when I'm around family or other people who are none-the-wiser this sets off constant fear of being outted. God, I'm such a freak right? Long story short, regardless of my doc's sexual preference she gets the job done and I feel comfortable in her care. Today felt like the beginning of a long and prosperous doctor/patient relationship. =)

Obtw...Boob Drama Update, my surgical consult is scheduled. More info to come next Tuesday.

Girl Crush vol. 2

Yesterday my best friend asked me why I didn't have a boyfriend...I don't think she's ready to hear about how at this point in my life, I'd much rather have a girlfriend. Or how I'm attracted to boys, because I can easily admit it some are really very gorgeous and sexy, but for now all I can think about is being with another girl.

I hate keeping things from them but you know what I hate even more, having to hide who I am in the first place. But I doubt that they would understand. It would be hella weird, and I'm chicken shit. So long story short, I gave her the unabridged version..."Oh I'm focusing on school right now. I have so much going on in life as is without adding a boo to the equation." Which I mean is some sort of the truth... =/ Oh well and whatevs.

[a][d][d][e][d]

My future career as a nurse, has the potential to be a very wise decision or a very dangerous one. Some of the sexiest women around are nurses, I'm still trying to decide if that's a good or bad thing. Considering the fact that I just spent all clinical lusting over the nurse I was assigned to work with, I'm not so sure. I feel like such a horn ball...I mean on one hand, working with someone who was hot not to mention super nice, and outgoing was a very pleasant surprise considering what I'm usually stuck with. We spent pratically the whole shift talking which was definitely a welcomed suprise considering as student nurses we're pretty much overlooked and disrespected. And my god, she had the most beautiful gray eyes, I had to keep turning my eyes away from hers out of fear of drowning in them. Today was a good day, but if I was a registered nurse, god only knows how many mistakes I may have made in my patient care working with someone as gorgeous as her. It's kind of hard to keep my wits about me, GAWD I am soo BI! =D

As careers are concerned it was either a nurse or a police officer and by the looks of B in this uniform, I think I would have been screwed either way...

Speaking of lady cops, in a random twist of events Misses Officer zoomed by me on the highway today. She's sexy and once upon a time I was really feeling her style, but nevertheless she is a bitch and I refuse to go that route again. From past experience I know that story does not end well. I still can't help but to think of her whenever I hear the Lil' Wayne song, and now whenever I see this damn Like A Boy video...

Girl Crush vol. 1

While I'm not a huge fan of studz, there is much to be said about getting through all that tough exterior, stripping through that boyish wrapping to find a sexy body that's most definitely all girl underneath. Hmm... so deliciously erotic. ;-P




Loves it.

Quotish: "As soon as tongue hit clit I knew it wasn't yours...it wasn't perfect. I could pick your pussy out of a police lineup." ~Hanky Moody, Californication. He's baacckkk ladies and gentlemen!!! Boy I missed those quirky kick ass remarks. Totally awesome show. Check it. It's up on Fancast.com an entire day early. =)

California

For some weird and unknown reason... or one that's not so weird or unknown (if I'm being completely truthful) more than likely involving X-I recently let my dreams of graduating and moving to California down by the wayside.

Today I've realized and decided that it is absolutely imperative that I follow through, if for nothing more than my own peice of mind and personal growth. I am almost 100% positive that if I stay here...here being anywhere in the tristate area/eastern side of the United States my growth will be forever stunted && that simply will not do. :-/

Sent from my iPhone

Sound Bytes vol. 1

Gym Class Heroes~Cookie Jar

0.16s-0.32s :-X

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Hot Tamale

My hormones are raging high and I am finding attractions in the most random group of people. As much as I hate to admit it, PPA has definitely peaked my interest. Maybe I'll work another twelve and sit 1:1 again afterall... ;-) Patient X can go outside and be a bother all he wants, for as long as he wants. Tomorrow it won't even matter as long as it means more face time and contact with boobie (i.e PPA). And maybe just maybe I'm not as off as I think I am. Man, I really need to start trusting my instincts.

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