Switch Hitter

Maybe I really don't like boys. Maybe I'm a lesbian. I don't know...

One thing is for certain: I can't allow myself to be with a dude. Like everytime I think I want one and meet one I find the littlest shit to wind up disliking him over. I'm all interested at first but then as soon as he moves closer, I find myself automatically pulling away.

For some unknown reason, I just can't do men. How weird as that? Does that make me a lezzie fer shur? I say I'm bisexual because I mean I find guys attractive, I think they're sexy, I can easily be turned on by one but at the same time...they just don't do it for me. I doubt I'd be having any of these problems if a girl was involved.

So ultimately, what does that mean? I'm in no rush to be "labeled" either way, it isn't the title that concerns me I'm just sooo confused. Like can I ever really meet, get to know, like and love a guy, to settle down and be with for the duration. Or is my love reserved strictly for those of the fairer sex?

Bitch Fest...

I know I haven't been visiting and writing as much but life is all around pretty sucky right now. Well not really, but for this past week I've been feeling like ick, and before that I was just to damn busy. Maybe it's the weather, but I'm feeling hella depressed all of a sudden. I swear I have SAD (seasonal affective disorder), no joke. When the weather sucks, I pretty much suck right along with it. Anyhow I'm definitely feeling a little OWL. I'm broke, I'm lonely, and I'm hella stressed and annoyed about almost everything. A bitch on wheels is what I feel like.

It's a huge cycle of wretchedness. Like I need money so I need to work, but I hate my job, and I also don't really have the time to make the money I need anyhow, and I don't want to work those kind of hours anyways because I hate the whole atmosphere of TJ. But then it's like when I don't work I have to hear my mom bitch about devoting her whole check to bills, and paying for this and not having the money to pay for that and I mean I want to help but how can I when I have my own stuff going on, like bills, senior year, conventions, vacations, job searching.

Which brings me to my next point...grr, job searching. This fucking economy has even us nursing students STUCK. Like since when do nursing majors have to scrap for jobs? In the past hospitals used to be at our feet begging us to come work for them, throwing all kinds of incentives our way to get us in the door. Well those days are long gone, much to my dismay. I hate telling people I graduate in May and the next question out of their mouths is "Do you have a job yet?" Ummm....a big fat no!! I wish. I'm whoring myself out to every hospital, applying for units I have no interest in whatsoever just to find someone anyone who will take me. I honestly cannot graduate and not have a gig. I really and trully cannot afford it. And I mean school is drawing to a close quicker than I want to even acknowledge. It's all one big suckfest. And through it all I'm still trying to stay positive. Still trying to bust my ass and git r done, but I don't know. On days like this it all gets to be just a bit overwhelming...and I feel like the weight of the world is on my shoulder. Er.

Even my friends are starting to bother me, lord knows for the past two weeks I've been really wanting to KILL Cady. She's such a loud mouthed, attention craved BUTINSKI and I swear its been irking my SOUL. I love her to death but with the way I've been feeling I'm really not feeling her as of late. And I really haven't been wanting to mention it aloud but I'm really feeling lonely too. Like I want to be in love. With a girl, because God knows a boy just doesn't do it for me, romantically on that level...at least of late. The Officer I met that time at work called me some time ago, and I mean I could have feigned interest in him just to be involved with someone, but in my mind I know there's no chemistry and I just felt like ew, I don't really want to be in a relationship with a dude right now. Does that make me bisexual still? I don't even want to think about. It's just problems on top of problems. And I think I've bitched enough so I'm going to just leave it at that for now. Hope I can come back next time in a much better mood, with even better news.

Saving Face

I think my mom knows I like girls... She might not admit to it, or ever speak it aloud, but deep down inside I'm pretty sure she knows. That scares the shit out of me. I don't want her to know. EVER. The only way I'd feel comfortable with her knowing that I love la ladies, is if she could somehow find a way to be TOTALLY cool about it. To accept, and love me just the same. Only if, her knowing that I'm into girls was as if someone had told her I liked the color pink. No big deal, nothing for her to even bat an eyelash at.

This of course, will never EVER happen therefore I never EVER want her to know. I love her, I don't want her to hate me. Or to be ashamed of me, and what I am. I mean I sort of get the short end of the stick having to hide who/what I am, always living on edge terrified of her finding me out, but besides all of this I like our relationship just the way it is. I don't want it to change. And her knowing for fact that I am into females would change EVERYTHING. Who needs it? That's why I simply want to fade away to another state perhaps far across country, and live out that part of my life with her being absolutely none the wiser.

Pinch Hitter?

I'm thinking of linking back up with "School Supplies". I'm not desperate, just lonely. There is no feeling there whatsoever. But talking to him makes me feel wanted. And most importantly not so lonely. I am a terrible person for even considering using him for my own personal gain knowing that we can never and will never amount to anything major... All the while also knowing from him making it absolutely crystal that he wants us to be just that. It's just that for me, in this moment some companionship is better than none at all. Maybe I am desperate. But I think I'm going to go on seriously considering sending him a little friendly "Hey you, been thinking of you" text and see what happens. God, I'm going to hell. >:)

[a][d][d][e][d]

Ok so in a moment of weakness I did wind up texting him, but immediately regretted it afterwards and never texted him back. I strongly considered deleting him all together since I seriously doubt that I'll ever contact him again, but haven't done so yet. All I know is he's not for me. I don't think any "he" is, at this point in time. I'm not going to rush into anything especially something that's not real with no possibilities of ever going anywhere. So Lesson Learned!!!

Crazy Love. ♥

After much hesitance about writing this post, I've finally decided: whatever let me just put it out there in the universe. Lately I've been having this really yucky feeling of loneliness. In the past I've been all about my freedom and flying solo, standing alone, Ms. Independent...all of a sudden now, not so much. I want the movie script ending. To be in a relationship and fall head over heels in love.

To be completely addicted and committed. I want the impromptu missing you phone calls, and thinking of you texts. Dinner dates, and holding hands. Lazy kisses, lingering hugs, cuddling... nervous first time "I love you's", the breaking up then making up. I want it all.

Carrie B said it best, "I'm looking for love. Real love. Ridiculous, inconvenient, time consuming, can't-live-without each other love." But somehow, I don't think that kind of love exists for me in this shit hole city or state (or with a guy, if I'm being completely honest) :(

It Takes Courage...

Please excuse me while I suffer through what I'm pretty sure is an existential crisis. On second thought, maybe not so much. The thing is I know exactly who I am. I am almost absolutely positive that I know what and who I want.

I hate this person I pretend to be. While I try to convince myself that I can continue on living this lie, and eventually wind up happy and content in the long run, somehow I seriously doubt that's the truth. I'm suffocating with fear that I'll be stuck in this same position forever. This cannot be the life that I am meant to live forever. I pray to God that there's more to my life, than this.

I've been going back and forth with this for years now, and I feel like I'm dying here. I have got to get OUT. I am not being dramatic, I can honestly say that this is killing me.

And yet through it all somehow, I still find myself fearing the alternative :[

The Voice Within

I kinda...want to be THAT girl. A part of me does anyway.

I miss my dad and my sisters, just a bit. I wish he wasn't such a fucktard worthless peice of shit for a father. I wish he could be the dad to me that he is to them. Saw his sister in the market yesterday, wasn't a good deal. I miss the way that it used to be, even if it was unreal.

I can't really talk shit on them anymore. I'm so much like them, undercover. It would kill my mother if she knew. That's why I don't want her to ever EVER find out. Ironic.

I have to get away from this place someday. It's fuggin stifling, is what it is. I hate being in this box. Hiding. & being fake. As in, you know...not me. Its hard to feel connected to people you know wouldn't love you if they knew the truth, the real you. Er.

I really need to start counting down the days until I can move to Cali again..that helped. I've been thinking about New York. It's a kick ass place I think. I could get used to the crowds but it's a little to close for comfort, if you know what I mean. So California it is.

Updating iTunes this very instant...music pretty much gets me by and has been getting me through for years now. Just keep it up. Just a little while longer. Don't know what I'd do without it. =[