This is Only A Test

In a blink of an eye, my whole life changed...

But it's kind of like what Granny keeps telling me "When life gets rough, you get tough". In the end, God sees far beyond what we do, and everything happens according to his plan and his will. Some things fall apart, so even better things can fall together. For the first time in my life, I'm going forward solely on faith alone. I KNOW that God will see me through this.

I won't go into great detail about everything that has been transpiring this past week, all I will say is this: I hope she knows what she's done and I hope she made a choice that she can live with because there's no turning back from here. What's done is done, and she killed something in me that she can never and will never get back. I've been disregarded and placed on her back burner for the last and final time, EVER! I forgive her, but I will never forget this and we can never go back to the way we were.

Fcuk the World With A Dirty Dick

Does she really not fcuking get it? Does she honestly thing this is a walk in the fcuking park for me? Like I want to live like this. Like a fcuking bum? No job, no money. A degree and not shit else to show for my sweat, blood, and tears over the past 6 years? Oh yeah because that's such the glamorous life. This is what I've grown up aspiring to be. Broke as shit.

I'm a 23 year old college graduate about to take a job at Rita's fcuking Water Ice making $7.50 a fcuking hour just to have my own just so I don't have to depend on anyone. Just so there isn't anyone who can sit there and throw what they've done up in my face. That is the main reason why I've always worked, since the day I was able so I wouldn't have to put up with stupid shit like this. I'm to the point where I'll live in my car on the fcuking streets just so I don't have to depend on my "supposed" family any more.

And she wonders why I've always planned to move far, far away. Because guess what mommy fcuking dearest, I learned years ago the only person I can truly depend on is myself. Yeah people claim to be so proud of you, and to back you 100% of the way when the going is good but let shit get tough, you see whose really standing there with you. You've shown me your true colors today. Fcuk you, I'm through.

I'm Sorry Mama vol. 2

I'm getting to old to be living with my mama. When it gets to the point where you don't feel like abiding by folks' rules and being who they say you should be, it's time to go. Oh and best believe I'm soooo to that point. I just want to do me. I'm grown, I'm allowed. And somehow, she just doesn't seem to get that.

She lived her life, and yet she acts like it's some fuggin crime for me to do the same. She's always up my ass, "Where are you at?" "Oh why are you there?" "You've been out with her a lot" "Well when do you plan on coming home?" It's always the third degree and I'm sick of having to explain myself every time I turn around. I feel like yelling "because I'm grown bitch!" and that would be enough said. It's all just a little much. I'm over it. Leave me the fcuk alone!!! Like seriously, Chill!!

But I live under her roof, I eat her food, I take her money so for now I have to do as she says. I can't wait to take the boards, get a job, and most importantly get my own place, because this just isn't working for me. Time for ol' girl to cut the umbilical cord and stand on her own two feet... this is some bullshit.

Saving Face

I think my mom knows I like girls... She might not admit to it, or ever speak it aloud, but deep down inside I'm pretty sure she knows. That scares the shit out of me. I don't want her to know. EVER. The only way I'd feel comfortable with her knowing that I love la ladies, is if she could somehow find a way to be TOTALLY cool about it. To accept, and love me just the same. Only if, her knowing that I'm into girls was as if someone had told her I liked the color pink. No big deal, nothing for her to even bat an eyelash at.

This of course, will never EVER happen therefore I never EVER want her to know. I love her, I don't want her to hate me. Or to be ashamed of me, and what I am. I mean I sort of get the short end of the stick having to hide who/what I am, always living on edge terrified of her finding me out, but besides all of this I like our relationship just the way it is. I don't want it to change. And her knowing for fact that I am into females would change EVERYTHING. Who needs it? That's why I simply want to fade away to another state perhaps far across country, and live out that part of my life with her being absolutely none the wiser.

DENIED!!!

What it all boils down to is this: today I got rejected. The Doc called me and stopped beating around the bush, she gave me one big fat NO. I am not approved for kindey donation. It hurts. And yes, I did cry but I guess in the long run everything happens for a reason and this is what's best. They don't want to take one of my kidneys and risk that my kidneys may fail somewhere down the line. Especially because they have no idea whatsoever regarding the reason my brother's kidneys failed, and because I myself am spilling protein in my urine (which isn't normal) and again they don't know why. Whatever. I'm sad, but I am sort of ready to put this whole kidney business behind me I guess. I just want my brother to get a kidney and be healthy again. Can't be mine, so that sucks. But there's a bigger picture involved, so that's how it is and that's how it's going to be.

Earlier, after the doc called, and in between tears I got to thinking... the saddest thought ever. I am a kick ass sister, and daughter. I fought so hard to give my brother this peice of me. It hurts me to my soul that I can't. I have so much love for him that I would give him an organ, without question and yet... deep down inside I know that if he or my mom were to ever find out that I like girls, none of this would even matter. They'd hate me regardless. How fugged up is that? Now that this kidney drama has commenced (as far as I'm concerned) I have to seriously get back towards looking for a job. I have to get away. I have to move out on my own, to be the person that I truly am. I'm dying here, hiding and lying about who I am. I want to create my own life, and surround myself with people who love me regardless of who/what I am. I cancelled my California interview, but tomorrow I'll call and see what's up with Ohio State, and keep trying with National Children's Medical (my new first choice).

Man sometimes life can really throat punch the shit out of you. :(

Transplant Drama, as per usual.

I've had it up to my ears with this whole kidney transplant business. It's frustrating and stressing me so much.... if I didn't love my brother as much as I do I would totally reconsider and call the whole thing off. I didn't think it'd be this much work, and bullshit involved. Nothing has been easy about this mess... it's been nothing but a headache and a hard time. I am sooooo sick of this shit. And I feel bad because I know my kidney transplant team is only looking to protect my best interests but I am frustrated and annoyed...even by them! It's only so much a bitch can take. Geez!!!

Having said that I have to get off, and head BACK to the hospital for my CAT scan. I swear if I'm not approved for surgery within the next week, and if we don't have a date set almost immediately after, I am going to bust something. Enough, is enough!!

Life As I Know It

And now for another vol. of my weekly updates.

[-]I didn't get the job @ Cleveland Clinic. Bummer, but whatevs. I now have 2 new interviews pending...one in OH again this time in Columbus instead of Cleveland, and at the OH State University Hosp, instead of CCF. *Fingers cross, this one I'll get* Sue me, I happen to like Ohio. The other at the UCLA for L&D and NICU. Who knows if I'll actually make this one though. Oh and there's also an interview with Lehigh Valley pending...I have to call in schedule. But this one is most definitely a fall back position, considering it's in my current state. Who would have thought that Karen would be the first one to get a job. Never saw that one coming. 1 girlie down, the 3 of us to go.

[-]So after our meeting with the kidney transplant center, turns out that I'm a match for little bro (I happen to be the "universal donor") and we're currently in the process of me donating. If all goes well, the transplant will more than likely be at the end of this month or the very beginning of the next. Damn lately it seems like I stay under the knife. Everyone is making it out to be this really huge deal, I honestly don't get it. He's my brother why wouldn't I want to save his life? Not to quote Napolean Dynamite or anything but: "What the heck would you do in a situation like this?"

[-]My "donor" has taken to stalking me. I find it absolutely hilarious how in his mind, he's actually a good father. Truth of the matter is, he's a fucking dead beat and I will continue to treat him as such. He's dead to me. Needless to say I continue to ignore all his feeble attempts at contacting me. Funny how when graduation is near he all of a sudden wants to be a father. Where was he when I was about to get kicked out? No where to be found. Therefore as far as I'm concerned he got lost, and he can stay that way. Enough said.

[-]Work is work. TJ still sucks balls. But whatever it's money. Oh and this weekend working a double I actually met a guy. We've talked twice since, but I doubt it's going anywhere. And somehow I'm totally cool with that. Must be the Kiki in me, lol.

[-]School is still sucking the life outta me. This is a very rigorous semester. Nothing like senior year of high school, which was pretty much a fly by. It's kicking my ass but I'm weathering on. Speaking of which I have a bunch of studying to do, so I'm gone. Oy.... I just keep telling myself: 3 months and counting.

Me Being Totally Optimistic...

Though this thing with my mom has me still pretty much fugged up, one thing that I believe with my entire being is that EVERYTHING happens for a REASON. Everything is all part of his master plan. Yes, I am both hurt and angered at the same time I believe that G-d wouldn't be putting me through all of this if there wasn't a lesson to be learned, and new strength to be obtained. It may hurt now, but there is always a light at the tunnel's end.

My thoughts is that this whole situation has everything to do with me moving away post graduation. I need to learn to be more independent. This all has taught me that in order to survive in this world I need to be like an island. Standing on my own, totally independent of anyone else. Like Beyonce sang: "Me, Myself, and I-that's all I got in the end: that's what I found out. And it ain't no need to cry, I took a vow that from now on I'ma be my own best friend." It just hurts now because I feel like I'm loosing my mother and my best friend all in one fell swoop, but I'm counting on emerging from this a much better woman. I promise not to let this get the best of me.

Having said that, to aid in my efforts, I am about to engage in a shitload of retail therapy. It is just what the doctor ordered, and in perfect timing with the beginning of the [final..eek] Spring semester of school. I am so excited to buy my Uggs...they are all the cheering up I need. I mean a girl can't stand completely on her own without some fly footwear right? :D

Happy New Year?

My first post of the new year. I wish it could be on a happier note, and I wish that I could say my new year has been absolutely awesome so far, but I'd be a damn lie. My new year has been straight out of a horror movie. Never would I have ever imagined spending my new years witnessing my baby brother have a seizure and being placed in the Intensive Care Unit of our local hospital with end stage renal failure. But alas G-d said be and it was. A curve ball indeed. I mean dude has never been sick a day in his life. Not even with the normal stuff, like the flu and chicken pox. So imagine everyone's shock when he not only started seizing but we were given the news that his kidneys completely shut down and not even the doctors know why. It is horrible.

It's tough trying to be strong when every fiber of your being is just dying to break. But I can't allow it. I mean who would be the rock for my mother, and more importantly for him? I have to be. It helps to think if I feel like shit, and if I feel like breaking down how he must feel. His whole life has been turned upside down within a day. I really wish it were me instead of him. He's 20 years old for G-d's sake and he has something that he must battle for the rest of his life. I know all the cliches everything happens for a reason, and G-d doesn't give us anything we can't bare because what doesn't kill us only makes us stronger, but damn. It's still mind boggling, and life shattering at this moment.

As much as he drives me crazy at times, it scares the hell out of me imagining my life without him. I love my brother to death and beyond, and I'd give anything to see him healthy again... even one of my own organs. I just pray that I'm his match because as soon as his doctors give the ok I'll gladly hand over one of my own kidneys. God gave me two and our mother always taught us to share, so hey...

I Feel Like Chicken Tonight...

To say I'm feeling pressured by this whole bring a dish to [christmas] dinner situation, would be an understatement. All of a sudden all of the confidence and excitement I felt has been replaced with panic and mania!~X( I don't think that I can do it, especially considering the only things I have made thus far in my so called "cooking career" have been reservations, a mess, and several small fires [shot out to Kelly Whitmore and Carrie B]. :-< I mean sure I'll have Granny there to guide me through these untried waters and all the trials and tribulations that come with, but I'll also have my uncle there taunting and just waiting for the finished project to be a hot tranny mess so that he can forever tease me about being a big fat cooking failure. :(

Ok maybe I'm being bit dramatic and painting him out to be a monster, he's really not but this is what I'm feeling. What I am so totally afraid of happening tomorrow. I have half the mind to call the whole thing off. I mean I have to learn considering that in just a few short months I will be completely out on my own, but maybe it would be better for me to learn when there's not so much pressure surrounding the entire issue, you know? Then there's braving the last minute Christmas Eve shoppers ...that doesn't sound to tempting or wise either. In my frayed state of mind the last thing I need is to be dropped into a crowded supermarket with people who have lost both their minds and their manners. Oy. :(

Tis The Season...

Ga! I love the friggin holidays! Thought I'd just put that out there. Not a big fan of the whole winter season but the holidays it brings...loves it! :"> Everything about this time of year makes me all warm and fuzzy inside. Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years... all such amazing ways to end the year. And with the year's end in mind I am getting so like overly excited for 2009...and more importantly graduation. 2009 just seems to be the beginning of the rest of my life...scary but exciting nonetheless. I am sooo ready [I think]. ;;)

So Grams is on board, she's all in with helping me learn to cook. Which is awesome because my new goal is to bring homeade deliciousness to my uncle's dinner this year. I shall not be outdone, and like I said before the time has definitely come. I found this cute little recipe website, I cannot wait!!! Speaking of the Uncles, though I have an affinity for the fairer sex, let's just say if I am ever to fall in love with a dude, I want him to be just like my uncles. I know they say girls fall in love with guys like their fathers...um, no thank you I'll definitely pass on that. I have the greatest uncles in the world. If I could get both of my uncles mixed into one male being, that's the kind of guy I'd want to spend the rest of my life with. :)

[a]-[d]-[d]-[e]-[d]

So I just applied for graduate nurse positions at both Cedars-Sinai & the UCLA Medical Center... I absolutely MUST get one of them. Please G-d make it happen, LA: oh how I crave thee!!!! :-SS