I Don't Want To Wait

in vain for your love. -Bob Marley

Still feeling like a shell of a person. I'm not back to being myself yet...

I miss the hell outta booski. I still wake up and go to bed thinking of her but the only difference from now and then is when I wake up I can't just step out onto my balcony and see her. I wake up and the depression of being totally without her settles in and follows me through the entire day.

I toss and turn all night dreaming of her, but at least I'm happy because in my dreams we're together. I feel so empty inside like there's a big part of me missing. I thought it would have passed by now, but maybe I really did leave my heart in Jamaica. It definitely feels that way.

I know what's meant to be, will be...but this loneliness is killing me. I don't even feel human anymore, just lost in this sea of sadness. That only lets up to make way for the feelings of loneliness to overcome me. I want/need her...but I wonder if any old one would do.

My mom is even starting to catch on that I'm different. She asked me yesterday was I depressed or sad about something. She said I was like a zombie. And I am. I didn't even eat yesterday or today, still not hungry. I blamed it on jet lag. Don't know what I'll say if she asks again today...

I just want to be back with her.

I Decided....

that you are the "her" for me.

I fell completely and madly in love... with a practical stranger. But from the first time I laid eyes on her I knew. My gaydar never sounded so loudly as it did the day I saw her. Ever since then I've been feeling so totally connected to her. I wake up thinking about her, I go to bed thinking about her. I'm in love, and I left my heart in Jamaica. It is literally killing me, it hurts like hell. Every time I think about how I left her I want to cry. I never felt this way about anyone before...

Fcuk the World With A Dirty Dick

Does she really not fcuking get it? Does she honestly thing this is a walk in the fcuking park for me? Like I want to live like this. Like a fcuking bum? No job, no money. A degree and not shit else to show for my sweat, blood, and tears over the past 6 years? Oh yeah because that's such the glamorous life. This is what I've grown up aspiring to be. Broke as shit.

I'm a 23 year old college graduate about to take a job at Rita's fcuking Water Ice making $7.50 a fcuking hour just to have my own just so I don't have to depend on anyone. Just so there isn't anyone who can sit there and throw what they've done up in my face. That is the main reason why I've always worked, since the day I was able so I wouldn't have to put up with stupid shit like this. I'm to the point where I'll live in my car on the fcuking streets just so I don't have to depend on my "supposed" family any more.

And she wonders why I've always planned to move far, far away. Because guess what mommy fcuking dearest, I learned years ago the only person I can truly depend on is myself. Yeah people claim to be so proud of you, and to back you 100% of the way when the going is good but let shit get tough, you see whose really standing there with you. You've shown me your true colors today. Fcuk you, I'm through.

Misery

I am such a miserable fcuking cunt, these days. I can't live like this, something has got to give. For as long as I can remember I've had a job and I've had my own money. I'm not built to live like some second class citizen depending on others. It's seriously starting to fcuk with me. Believe you me, I am someone that needs to be in complete isolation right now. I am a bitch on wheels, just lashing out at any and everyone... I'm not happy. I feel like I'm in fcuking hell.

I'm a college graduate, wasn't that supposed to make life easier? I know it's going to take time to be where I envision myself being, but damn this is getting just a tad bit ridiculous. Never in my wildest dreams would I have ever imagined graduating college and having to live like this. I am going insane.

So everything I previously said has gone right out the window. I don't care where I get the job, I just need a job. I'm even willing to work in a nursing home. If it's money I don't give a fcuk from here on out I'll do it. I always thought I have a college degree, the point of going to college was so that I would have a career that I could enjoy. College would pave the way for me to have a job I'd be happy to wake up and go to every morning. I went to college so I didn't have to live the rest of my life in misery...

Well guess what, I went to college and I'm still miserable. Any job is better than no job at all. I just want money. So yeah maybe I'll sell my soul and lose all my dignity in the process, but what the fcuk, it can't get no worst than this can it? I feel like I'm already at rock bottom, the only way I've got left to go is up.

I'm Sorry Mama vol. 2

I'm getting to old to be living with my mama. When it gets to the point where you don't feel like abiding by folks' rules and being who they say you should be, it's time to go. Oh and best believe I'm soooo to that point. I just want to do me. I'm grown, I'm allowed. And somehow, she just doesn't seem to get that.

She lived her life, and yet she acts like it's some fuggin crime for me to do the same. She's always up my ass, "Where are you at?" "Oh why are you there?" "You've been out with her a lot" "Well when do you plan on coming home?" It's always the third degree and I'm sick of having to explain myself every time I turn around. I feel like yelling "because I'm grown bitch!" and that would be enough said. It's all just a little much. I'm over it. Leave me the fcuk alone!!! Like seriously, Chill!!

But I live under her roof, I eat her food, I take her money so for now I have to do as she says. I can't wait to take the boards, get a job, and most importantly get my own place, because this just isn't working for me. Time for ol' girl to cut the umbilical cord and stand on her own two feet... this is some bullshit.

Coming Home

I have to admit, I was thinking about leaving here. Being done with the sunny days, and starry nights.

But I like it here. This is me. This is my home. I'll probably revamp somethings but I'm back and I'm here to stay.

I missed you, did you miss me? No? Ok, well whatevs... ;)

Graduate School Here I Come...

I feel like I have struck GOLD. Ever since I graduated, and if we're being completely honest even a bit before, I felt so lost. No job, no direction what the hell was I to do with my life? I hate just sitting around feeling stuck, wondering what's next? I want to proceed and progress, you know? Graduating college was supposed to be just the beginning, and now I feel like it is.

I'm applying to GRAD school!!!

U of P is where I belong. It's where my life's path is taking me next. They have exactly what I want, and what I need. It's no secret that I never wanted to just settle for being a Registered Nurse. When I first started to even consider nursing as a career my very first thoughts never even went to Registered Nurse, right out the box it was Nurse Practitioner. And granted, throughout nursing school the exact type of nursing I would practice as a practitioner has changed, that general idea hasn't. At first I thought I wanted to work Trauma and therefore be an Acute Care Nurse Practitioner, but nope not for me. I mean don't get me wrong I love Trauma, and how it's all fast paced and adrenaline laced, not to mention the prestige and honor saying I'm a Trauma NP, BUT...

I love working with people during a happy and exciting time of their life. As an nurse practitioner in OB I'll be worried less about saving lives, and more concerned with bringing lives into the world. How awesome would it be to go to work and deliver babies every day for a living. That's so much more ME... In retrospect, I've always known this in fact this was my very first choice in nursing. I even did my high school senior project on Nursing in Obstetrics but somehow, over the years I let the dream get away from me. Until I had OB in college, and it all came flooding right back to me.

So back to U of P, I'm definitely applying. Through their grad school I can be exactly what I always wanted to be and I don't have to choose between my love of OB and Women's Health since their program will allow duel certification I'll come out being a Women's Health Nurse Practitioner, and a Certified Nurse-Midwife. How fucking perfect is that?! Please god, let me get accepted into this program!! I did my research and I have it all figured out, I'll work and go to school part time for the next 3 years and I'll have my Masters by 27. Not bad huh???

My minds made up, and I am sooo excited.... Now all there's left to do is get accepted. ***Thinking positively***

** [E/D/I/T] **

SHIT!!! The only hole in my otherwise perfect plan: Going to that particular Grad School requires me to be here @ least another 3 years... Is it worth it?