Later, Hater!!

I don't mean to sound like a snob or a bitch in this post but hey, it is what it is... I am 24 years old. I have a brand new career. An apartment. Bills. Responsibility. What I don't have is time for petty drama and gossip. It's one thing I keep noticing and have ever since I got this job and made my move is that I can no longer associate with the same calaber of people I once have. Some people are stuck [on stupid] and haven't displayed any growth the whole time that I have known them. They are content with where they are and what they have, and just because this is their reality I've noticed that they want me to be just like them... stuck.

But I refuse. My motto is and has always been "proceed, progress". Grow up and constanstly make change for the better. If your life isn't going according to plan don't sit there and settle then expect others to do the same, and then hate on them when they don't. Get off your ass, roll up your sleeves and get ready to put in work. The more successful I get these are the same folk looking and noticing that my life is on the up & up and wanting to bring me back down to their level. And boy are they reaching... trying to get their hands on anything that can pull me down. But believe you me, I've worked hard to be where I am at and to have what I have. I am to smart to ever let them catch me slipping. Even if I did, they would be some of the last if any to know. They will never knock my hustle.

Anyway, I'm just fed up with all the sneakiness, and underhanded hating... and despite all of that, I love them and wish them nothing but the best in all of their endeavors. I just know that I can no longer associate myself and be concerned with people like them. From here on out if you aren't bringing positivity and warm wishes my way then I really don't need you in my life. Plain and simple I'm over you. I'm surrounding myself with people who are on my level, people of substance. In other words, people who are about something other then causing drama and delivering hate and negativity in the lives of others. Jealously really is a sickness and I sincerely hope they get a life and get well soon... In the meantime [and Kanye said it best] I'm going to use their hate as the steam to power my dreams. HAHA!!!

Living La Vida Loca

I have decided that it is time, for the next 6 years (God willing) I'm dedicating myself wholly to enjoying the last of my twenties. Up until this point I have yet to really live. I'll be 24 years old in a matter of days and what can I say that I have done that signifies life? The answer is a resounding, NOTHING! Damn shame.

The question I keep asking myself is: if not now, when? No one is ever promised tomorrow today, in a split unfortunate second it could all be over. I don't want to be that woman looking back over her life all tangled up in roads she hasn't traveled. I want to live my life to the absolute fullest, I must!

I'm twenty four years young, it's about time I start acting like it. And in light of recent events, now I don't have to answer to anyone but God. Loves it!!! This girl is going to finally start acting all growed up from here on out.

This is Only A Test

In a blink of an eye, my whole life changed...

But it's kind of like what Granny keeps telling me "When life gets rough, you get tough". In the end, God sees far beyond what we do, and everything happens according to his plan and his will. Some things fall apart, so even better things can fall together. For the first time in my life, I'm going forward solely on faith alone. I KNOW that God will see me through this.

I won't go into great detail about everything that has been transpiring this past week, all I will say is this: I hope she knows what she's done and I hope she made a choice that she can live with because there's no turning back from here. What's done is done, and she killed something in me that she can never and will never get back. I've been disregarded and placed on her back burner for the last and final time, EVER! I forgive her, but I will never forget this and we can never go back to the way we were.

All hail the DQ!!!

and no I don't mean Dairy Queen :)

Ok some things that you absolutely MUST know about me is: 1) I worry like it's going out of style. I'm such a pessimist disguised as a realist and one day it's seriously going to kill me. My motto has always been think/prepare for the worst. I think this time it almost did me in though. My stomach is still burning. Think I might have a stomach ulcer. I blame Nursing though... it will be the death of me.

and....

2) I am the biggest drama queen you might ever meet. I was a complete and total wreck yesterday. Good thing I didn't bet my life on failing the NCLEX because I would be dead and would have never gotten the news that I actually passed!!! Finally, I am a licensed registered nurse. No bull that was THE SINGLE MOST HARDEST test I have ever taken in MY LIFE!!! I was only certain of 2 answers out of a total of 75 I was for certain that I failed, BUT I DIDN'T!

Nothing can describe the feeling that came over me when I search my name on the Board of Nursing website and came up with a license number. Holy shit, I'm a nurse. Since then I've probably text'd everyone in my entire phone book, freaked out completely at least twice, and looked at that sight and searched my name about a ga-gillion times. I'm A LICENSED REGISTERED NURSE!!! Now who's gonna hire me?!

** for all my peeps still struggling, I know your pain. this test is NOT a joke. i wish i had more to say that could help but i honestly don't think anything could have prepared me for this test. i studied my ass of and i did 3000+ questions. still didn't seem to help. keep ya head up, practice questions and when you take it (again) relax and make your best educated guess. nursing = suicide. but i have you in my prayers and you CAN do it!!! **

special shoutout to God bc without him

none of this would've been possible

it is truly a miracle that i passed

and i thank you!!

Fcuk the World With A Dirty Dick

Does she really not fcuking get it? Does she honestly thing this is a walk in the fcuking park for me? Like I want to live like this. Like a fcuking bum? No job, no money. A degree and not shit else to show for my sweat, blood, and tears over the past 6 years? Oh yeah because that's such the glamorous life. This is what I've grown up aspiring to be. Broke as shit.

I'm a 23 year old college graduate about to take a job at Rita's fcuking Water Ice making $7.50 a fcuking hour just to have my own just so I don't have to depend on anyone. Just so there isn't anyone who can sit there and throw what they've done up in my face. That is the main reason why I've always worked, since the day I was able so I wouldn't have to put up with stupid shit like this. I'm to the point where I'll live in my car on the fcuking streets just so I don't have to depend on my "supposed" family any more.

And she wonders why I've always planned to move far, far away. Because guess what mommy fcuking dearest, I learned years ago the only person I can truly depend on is myself. Yeah people claim to be so proud of you, and to back you 100% of the way when the going is good but let shit get tough, you see whose really standing there with you. You've shown me your true colors today. Fcuk you, I'm through.

Me Being Totally Optimistic...

Though this thing with my mom has me still pretty much fugged up, one thing that I believe with my entire being is that EVERYTHING happens for a REASON. Everything is all part of his master plan. Yes, I am both hurt and angered at the same time I believe that G-d wouldn't be putting me through all of this if there wasn't a lesson to be learned, and new strength to be obtained. It may hurt now, but there is always a light at the tunnel's end.

My thoughts is that this whole situation has everything to do with me moving away post graduation. I need to learn to be more independent. This all has taught me that in order to survive in this world I need to be like an island. Standing on my own, totally independent of anyone else. Like Beyonce sang: "Me, Myself, and I-that's all I got in the end: that's what I found out. And it ain't no need to cry, I took a vow that from now on I'ma be my own best friend." It just hurts now because I feel like I'm loosing my mother and my best friend all in one fell swoop, but I'm counting on emerging from this a much better woman. I promise not to let this get the best of me.

Having said that, to aid in my efforts, I am about to engage in a shitload of retail therapy. It is just what the doctor ordered, and in perfect timing with the beginning of the [final..eek] Spring semester of school. I am so excited to buy my Uggs...they are all the cheering up I need. I mean a girl can't stand completely on her own without some fly footwear right? :D

Today's Lesson vol. 2

I am such a selfish self-absorbed bitch. Everything must always be about me, I must be the center of attention in all situations, even those which are especially dire. I hate that I'm this way, and believe me I wish more than anything that I weren't on this occasion. I have been trying not to be... but I am who I am. And that seemingly cannot be helped. Therefore I decided to just step [all the way] back, and to care from afar. I can't be there anymore. This is most probably best for everyone involved, I think. :-<

Pinch Hitter?

I'm thinking of linking back up with "School Supplies". I'm not desperate, just lonely. There is no feeling there whatsoever. But talking to him makes me feel wanted. And most importantly not so lonely. I am a terrible person for even considering using him for my own personal gain knowing that we can never and will never amount to anything major... All the while also knowing from him making it absolutely crystal that he wants us to be just that. It's just that for me, in this moment some companionship is better than none at all. Maybe I am desperate. But I think I'm going to go on seriously considering sending him a little friendly "Hey you, been thinking of you" text and see what happens. God, I'm going to hell. >:)

[a][d][d][e][d]

Ok so in a moment of weakness I did wind up texting him, but immediately regretted it afterwards and never texted him back. I strongly considered deleting him all together since I seriously doubt that I'll ever contact him again, but haven't done so yet. All I know is he's not for me. I don't think any "he" is, at this point in time. I'm not going to rush into anything especially something that's not real with no possibilities of ever going anywhere. So Lesson Learned!!!

Thank G-d for Scholarships!/Post Secret Vol. 2

The weight of the world...has literally been lifted from my shoulders. I could not be happier now, with my school of nursing. Thanks to a $13,000 scholarship I finally have all the money I need for school and it is official I will be graduating come May 2009! I can't even begin to explain how relieving this is all feels. It is everything I wanted, definitely everything I needed. I can finally breathe, sit back, and enjoy senior year...well not really because there's still academics to fret over but at least now I'm not juggling the stress of academics and the added stress of finances (0r the lack thereof). Academics I can handle, that's the easy part believe it or not. Now I can work and rest assured that all my hard work is money in the bank, not to be signed over to the university. Let's just say this makes this scholarship makes my life a million times easier. ;]

In other news, I realize how emo I was with my last post, and after really thinking about it I realized that I don't really want to be OUT. I mean at least not to my family, and probably not to my friends either. My sexuality is kinda a part of my life that I want to keep private. They don't need to know or have that part of me. Which probably doesn't make sense to anyone but me, but whatevs. That's one of the main reasons that I'm excited to graduate and relocate. Going to a place where no one knows my name. I can start over fresh. Tabala rosa, you know. A blank slate, and then I can be whomever I want to be. Like I said this probably doesn't make much sense and I'm too wiped to sit and explain so just know that finally, I'm content. :]

So I've Royally Fugged Up.

I'm pretty much one of the most self centered self absorbed narcissistic people you might ever meet. In my mind the world revolves around me... But sadly enough it doesn't. They say the first step is admitting you have a problem. Well there you have it.

I hate myself for making her hurt. This pretty much solidifies my status as best friend scum of the earth. I don't think I not even once stopped to consider how she might feel about my absence and if and/or when I did I don't think that mattered much in my decision making. It was all about what I wanted and how I felt.

I may have lost one of my best friends over this and you know what if I did I deserve it. I love her and I hope we can recover from this but if not I totally understand and all I can do is learn from my mistakes. :-[

Sent from my iPhone

Today's Lessons (8.21.08)

1. Kids with everything to live for choose the dumbest things to die for.

2. North 7 Center nurses do eat their young and the only thing they have taught me during my externship is that I never want to be like them. (excluding the very select few who aren't bitches!) This is such a negative work environment not condusive to my growth as a future nurse.

3. Racism is alive and well.

4. Yayy me!!! I'm cancer free.