Later, Hater!!

I don't mean to sound like a snob or a bitch in this post but hey, it is what it is... I am 24 years old. I have a brand new career. An apartment. Bills. Responsibility. What I don't have is time for petty drama and gossip. It's one thing I keep noticing and have ever since I got this job and made my move is that I can no longer associate with the same calaber of people I once have. Some people are stuck [on stupid] and haven't displayed any growth the whole time that I have known them. They are content with where they are and what they have, and just because this is their reality I've noticed that they want me to be just like them... stuck.

But I refuse. My motto is and has always been "proceed, progress". Grow up and constanstly make change for the better. If your life isn't going according to plan don't sit there and settle then expect others to do the same, and then hate on them when they don't. Get off your ass, roll up your sleeves and get ready to put in work. The more successful I get these are the same folk looking and noticing that my life is on the up & up and wanting to bring me back down to their level. And boy are they reaching... trying to get their hands on anything that can pull me down. But believe you me, I've worked hard to be where I am at and to have what I have. I am to smart to ever let them catch me slipping. Even if I did, they would be some of the last if any to know. They will never knock my hustle.

Anyway, I'm just fed up with all the sneakiness, and underhanded hating... and despite all of that, I love them and wish them nothing but the best in all of their endeavors. I just know that I can no longer associate myself and be concerned with people like them. From here on out if you aren't bringing positivity and warm wishes my way then I really don't need you in my life. Plain and simple I'm over you. I'm surrounding myself with people who are on my level, people of substance. In other words, people who are about something other then causing drama and delivering hate and negativity in the lives of others. Jealously really is a sickness and I sincerely hope they get a life and get well soon... In the meantime [and Kanye said it best] I'm going to use their hate as the steam to power my dreams. HAHA!!!

Switch Hitter

Maybe I really don't like boys. Maybe I'm a lesbian. I don't know...

One thing is for certain: I can't allow myself to be with a dude. Like everytime I think I want one and meet one I find the littlest shit to wind up disliking him over. I'm all interested at first but then as soon as he moves closer, I find myself automatically pulling away.

For some unknown reason, I just can't do men. How weird as that? Does that make me a lezzie fer shur? I say I'm bisexual because I mean I find guys attractive, I think they're sexy, I can easily be turned on by one but at the same time...they just don't do it for me. I doubt I'd be having any of these problems if a girl was involved.

So ultimately, what does that mean? I'm in no rush to be "labeled" either way, it isn't the title that concerns me I'm just sooo confused. Like can I ever really meet, get to know, like and love a guy, to settle down and be with for the duration. Or is my love reserved strictly for those of the fairer sex?

All hail the DQ!!!

and no I don't mean Dairy Queen :)

Ok some things that you absolutely MUST know about me is: 1) I worry like it's going out of style. I'm such a pessimist disguised as a realist and one day it's seriously going to kill me. My motto has always been think/prepare for the worst. I think this time it almost did me in though. My stomach is still burning. Think I might have a stomach ulcer. I blame Nursing though... it will be the death of me.

and....

2) I am the biggest drama queen you might ever meet. I was a complete and total wreck yesterday. Good thing I didn't bet my life on failing the NCLEX because I would be dead and would have never gotten the news that I actually passed!!! Finally, I am a licensed registered nurse. No bull that was THE SINGLE MOST HARDEST test I have ever taken in MY LIFE!!! I was only certain of 2 answers out of a total of 75 I was for certain that I failed, BUT I DIDN'T!

Nothing can describe the feeling that came over me when I search my name on the Board of Nursing website and came up with a license number. Holy shit, I'm a nurse. Since then I've probably text'd everyone in my entire phone book, freaked out completely at least twice, and looked at that sight and searched my name about a ga-gillion times. I'm A LICENSED REGISTERED NURSE!!! Now who's gonna hire me?!

** for all my peeps still struggling, I know your pain. this test is NOT a joke. i wish i had more to say that could help but i honestly don't think anything could have prepared me for this test. i studied my ass of and i did 3000+ questions. still didn't seem to help. keep ya head up, practice questions and when you take it (again) relax and make your best educated guess. nursing = suicide. but i have you in my prayers and you CAN do it!!! **

special shoutout to God bc without him

none of this would've been possible

it is truly a miracle that i passed

and i thank you!!

Misery

I am such a miserable fcuking cunt, these days. I can't live like this, something has got to give. For as long as I can remember I've had a job and I've had my own money. I'm not built to live like some second class citizen depending on others. It's seriously starting to fcuk with me. Believe you me, I am someone that needs to be in complete isolation right now. I am a bitch on wheels, just lashing out at any and everyone... I'm not happy. I feel like I'm in fcuking hell.

I'm a college graduate, wasn't that supposed to make life easier? I know it's going to take time to be where I envision myself being, but damn this is getting just a tad bit ridiculous. Never in my wildest dreams would I have ever imagined graduating college and having to live like this. I am going insane.

So everything I previously said has gone right out the window. I don't care where I get the job, I just need a job. I'm even willing to work in a nursing home. If it's money I don't give a fcuk from here on out I'll do it. I always thought I have a college degree, the point of going to college was so that I would have a career that I could enjoy. College would pave the way for me to have a job I'd be happy to wake up and go to every morning. I went to college so I didn't have to live the rest of my life in misery...

Well guess what, I went to college and I'm still miserable. Any job is better than no job at all. I just want money. So yeah maybe I'll sell my soul and lose all my dignity in the process, but what the fcuk, it can't get no worst than this can it? I feel like I'm already at rock bottom, the only way I've got left to go is up.

Happy New Year? vol. 2

This new year has been absolutely atrocious-my brother has been sick, my cousin has been raped... 7 days in, there has been more drama and bad shit happening than all of 2008 combined. I swear I hope all of this is not a sign of more bad things to happen. I just want to be happy back in my bubble of security and naivety. I just want to go back to being hopeful and excited for the future...

Right now I just don't know if that will ever be possible. I feel that I am changed. Nevertheless out of all the bullshit, one thing I have learned is that the only person I can truly count on is myself. From here on out, I have to learn to stand independent of anyone else because people will always let you down. In this world, all you really have is yourself. So from here on out, that's the way I'm living my life. My state of mind is simple: Fuck the World. All about Self. B-)

Today's Lesson vol. 2

I am such a selfish self-absorbed bitch. Everything must always be about me, I must be the center of attention in all situations, even those which are especially dire. I hate that I'm this way, and believe me I wish more than anything that I weren't on this occasion. I have been trying not to be... but I am who I am. And that seemingly cannot be helped. Therefore I decided to just step [all the way] back, and to care from afar. I can't be there anymore. This is most probably best for everyone involved, I think. :-<