This is Only A Test

In a blink of an eye, my whole life changed...

But it's kind of like what Granny keeps telling me "When life gets rough, you get tough". In the end, God sees far beyond what we do, and everything happens according to his plan and his will. Some things fall apart, so even better things can fall together. For the first time in my life, I'm going forward solely on faith alone. I KNOW that God will see me through this.

I won't go into great detail about everything that has been transpiring this past week, all I will say is this: I hope she knows what she's done and I hope she made a choice that she can live with because there's no turning back from here. What's done is done, and she killed something in me that she can never and will never get back. I've been disregarded and placed on her back burner for the last and final time, EVER! I forgive her, but I will never forget this and we can never go back to the way we were.

Ignorance is Bliss

For as long as I can remember, all I ever wanted to be was an RN, a Real-live Nurse. I'm wondering now if that will ever happen for me... In this current state I'm finding myself in I'm seriously doubting it. I'm just so depressed and even more so discouraged. All the studying, all the tests, all the sweat, blood, tears, and money... what was it all for? All my enthusiasm, love and passion, drive and ambition, not to mention a pure desire, want and need to practice nursing, what does it all mean when no one will even give me a chance?

I honestly do know what more I can do. I've given my all to a field that seemingly has no need, respect or want for a new grad such as myself. For me to be the future of nursing, over these past few months I have been feeling worthless and unwanted more than anything. When I was in school they painted this pretty little picture of nursing for us... had me dying to finish school and become a nurse, to bad it was a only mirage. We've been hoodwinked my friends.

Now all I want more than anything (besides maybe finding a job) is to go back. I gotta tell you, the ignorance was BLISS!! Having said that, even through all the bullshit I still LOVE nursing (to death)! If I had to do it all over again, I would still choose nursing. If I can't be a nurse I seriously do not know what else I could be or what else I would rather do. Nursing is my life. Now if only employers could understand that, and give me a job...

This is Bullshit!

I need a job. I'm sick of filling out applications. I'm sick of not getting called back. I'm sick of interviews. Going, and again not getting called back after SUPERB interviews. I'm sick of being broke. Just sick of all the bullshit...

I didn't go to college, and work my ass of to obtain my degree and kill myself to pass the NCLEX (with 75 questions I might so smugly add) for this shit. This is wack. I want a job, and I want it now!!! Or at least before my birthday by the latest... That would be the best birthday gift EVER!! I'm tired. Really, honestly, do not know how much more of this I can take. Like seriously, WTF?!?!?!

God Hates My Life

...because I like girls.

I failed the NCLEX today. So disappointed (in myself) and hurt. It wasn't like I didn't study. I studied my ass off but that test was on some whole other ish.

It was seriously the hardest test I have ever taken in my life. Nothing could have prepared me for it. I feel like such an idiot. I've been crying ever since I left the building. My eyes hurt now, in addition to my brain and my heart. I'm sooo sad. So convinced that God has it in for me. I needed NOTHING more than to pass this test, get licensed and to get a job ASAP but noooo....

I swear he hates me, and I'm convinced it's because I like girls. *le sigh*

Fcuk the World With A Dirty Dick

Does she really not fcuking get it? Does she honestly thing this is a walk in the fcuking park for me? Like I want to live like this. Like a fcuking bum? No job, no money. A degree and not shit else to show for my sweat, blood, and tears over the past 6 years? Oh yeah because that's such the glamorous life. This is what I've grown up aspiring to be. Broke as shit.

I'm a 23 year old college graduate about to take a job at Rita's fcuking Water Ice making $7.50 a fcuking hour just to have my own just so I don't have to depend on anyone. Just so there isn't anyone who can sit there and throw what they've done up in my face. That is the main reason why I've always worked, since the day I was able so I wouldn't have to put up with stupid shit like this. I'm to the point where I'll live in my car on the fcuking streets just so I don't have to depend on my "supposed" family any more.

And she wonders why I've always planned to move far, far away. Because guess what mommy fcuking dearest, I learned years ago the only person I can truly depend on is myself. Yeah people claim to be so proud of you, and to back you 100% of the way when the going is good but let shit get tough, you see whose really standing there with you. You've shown me your true colors today. Fcuk you, I'm through.

Misery

I am such a miserable fcuking cunt, these days. I can't live like this, something has got to give. For as long as I can remember I've had a job and I've had my own money. I'm not built to live like some second class citizen depending on others. It's seriously starting to fcuk with me. Believe you me, I am someone that needs to be in complete isolation right now. I am a bitch on wheels, just lashing out at any and everyone... I'm not happy. I feel like I'm in fcuking hell.

I'm a college graduate, wasn't that supposed to make life easier? I know it's going to take time to be where I envision myself being, but damn this is getting just a tad bit ridiculous. Never in my wildest dreams would I have ever imagined graduating college and having to live like this. I am going insane.

So everything I previously said has gone right out the window. I don't care where I get the job, I just need a job. I'm even willing to work in a nursing home. If it's money I don't give a fcuk from here on out I'll do it. I always thought I have a college degree, the point of going to college was so that I would have a career that I could enjoy. College would pave the way for me to have a job I'd be happy to wake up and go to every morning. I went to college so I didn't have to live the rest of my life in misery...

Well guess what, I went to college and I'm still miserable. Any job is better than no job at all. I just want money. So yeah maybe I'll sell my soul and lose all my dignity in the process, but what the fcuk, it can't get no worst than this can it? I feel like I'm already at rock bottom, the only way I've got left to go is up.

Ahhhhhhhhh!!!!!!

Graduation is downright depressing. How can I be excited and happy, when come May 16th I am going to be a straight up bum...with a degree. There's no bright and promising future for me, I don't have a job. So I graduate and then what... I work at WaWa? That's that bullshit. Like what the hell am I supposed to do for money? How am I even supposed to take the effin NCLEX if I don't have the $200 it costs to pay for that shit?

And I'm supposed to be happy? For what? I would totally stay in school another year if it meant come 2010 I'd be graduating with a job. I have like nothing to look forward to. I'm supposed to be starting my life and instead I'm just going to graduate and be stuck. All progression pretty much ends with that. Yeah graduations a hilight, and climax of my life...but then what? I come crashing back down to reality where I'm a broke unemployed bum? I'm not happy this sucks. Fuck my fucking life, and this stupid ass economy!!!

Discouraged

I'm hyperventilating. I'm pretty much done with classes, graduation is about a month and some change away, and I still do not have a job. In the words of Tim Gunn, "this concerns me". I have an interview on Thursday, but I am like so discouraged. I want the job, but whether or not I'll get it is an entirely different story. All that think positive mumbo jumbo is going right out the window, I really doubt that I will get it. And with the week I am having I really cannot afford to waste time.

I'm going to go, I'm going to kick ass (I hope) I just hope it makes a difference. Like don't tell me I interview well, and then never call and/or turn me down for the job (ahem...clevelend!) I really don't want to get jerked around this time. I have been praying like crazy for G-d to send me a job offer, and then comes the phone call from this recruiter, so I hope this is it.

It will totally suck not to graduate with a job. And my mom made a good point, if I know where I'm going and what I'm doing that can kind of give people an idea for graduation gifts...like MONEY and stuff for my apartment, which I'm most definitely going to need. I'm just tired. Please g-d let this job be it. I don't know how much more I can take of this.

Bitch Fest...

I know I haven't been visiting and writing as much but life is all around pretty sucky right now. Well not really, but for this past week I've been feeling like ick, and before that I was just to damn busy. Maybe it's the weather, but I'm feeling hella depressed all of a sudden. I swear I have SAD (seasonal affective disorder), no joke. When the weather sucks, I pretty much suck right along with it. Anyhow I'm definitely feeling a little OWL. I'm broke, I'm lonely, and I'm hella stressed and annoyed about almost everything. A bitch on wheels is what I feel like.

It's a huge cycle of wretchedness. Like I need money so I need to work, but I hate my job, and I also don't really have the time to make the money I need anyhow, and I don't want to work those kind of hours anyways because I hate the whole atmosphere of TJ. But then it's like when I don't work I have to hear my mom bitch about devoting her whole check to bills, and paying for this and not having the money to pay for that and I mean I want to help but how can I when I have my own stuff going on, like bills, senior year, conventions, vacations, job searching.

Which brings me to my next point...grr, job searching. This fucking economy has even us nursing students STUCK. Like since when do nursing majors have to scrap for jobs? In the past hospitals used to be at our feet begging us to come work for them, throwing all kinds of incentives our way to get us in the door. Well those days are long gone, much to my dismay. I hate telling people I graduate in May and the next question out of their mouths is "Do you have a job yet?" Ummm....a big fat no!! I wish. I'm whoring myself out to every hospital, applying for units I have no interest in whatsoever just to find someone anyone who will take me. I honestly cannot graduate and not have a gig. I really and trully cannot afford it. And I mean school is drawing to a close quicker than I want to even acknowledge. It's all one big suckfest. And through it all I'm still trying to stay positive. Still trying to bust my ass and git r done, but I don't know. On days like this it all gets to be just a bit overwhelming...and I feel like the weight of the world is on my shoulder. Er.

Even my friends are starting to bother me, lord knows for the past two weeks I've been really wanting to KILL Cady. She's such a loud mouthed, attention craved BUTINSKI and I swear its been irking my SOUL. I love her to death but with the way I've been feeling I'm really not feeling her as of late. And I really haven't been wanting to mention it aloud but I'm really feeling lonely too. Like I want to be in love. With a girl, because God knows a boy just doesn't do it for me, romantically on that level...at least of late. The Officer I met that time at work called me some time ago, and I mean I could have feigned interest in him just to be involved with someone, but in my mind I know there's no chemistry and I just felt like ew, I don't really want to be in a relationship with a dude right now. Does that make me bisexual still? I don't even want to think about. It's just problems on top of problems. And I think I've bitched enough so I'm going to just leave it at that for now. Hope I can come back next time in a much better mood, with even better news.

Transplant Drama, as per usual.

I've had it up to my ears with this whole kidney transplant business. It's frustrating and stressing me so much.... if I didn't love my brother as much as I do I would totally reconsider and call the whole thing off. I didn't think it'd be this much work, and bullshit involved. Nothing has been easy about this mess... it's been nothing but a headache and a hard time. I am sooooo sick of this shit. And I feel bad because I know my kidney transplant team is only looking to protect my best interests but I am frustrated and annoyed...even by them! It's only so much a bitch can take. Geez!!!

Having said that I have to get off, and head BACK to the hospital for my CAT scan. I swear if I'm not approved for surgery within the next week, and if we don't have a date set almost immediately after, I am going to bust something. Enough, is enough!!

Financial Aid, My Ass!

I am physically ill. Here it is, another year has gone by and yet again I am faced with the same challenge of possibly not being able to attend school this year. My last year at that. How can this be happening? I mean I am so close. There is a mere 30 weeks seperating me from graduating college, and obtaining my BSN. Well that a grand total of $20,000. Financial aid is a fucking joke. You give a kid with a Expected Family Contribution of 0 a measly $17,000 to go to a university that costs $40,000 just to attend and expect that to suffice.

I get it. They just don't give a fuck, is all. I mean I'm just another poor little black girl who bought into that whole speal about the American Dream. That in this country as long as you have the will and drive to succeed then by golly, you're going to make it. That is bullshit. No one has more will and drive then I do. I have been busting my ass for years trying to make a better life for myself. I'm a twenty something black female not running around the hood spreading my legs for the D-Boys...breeding like it was the only thing I was born to do only to lay around and milk welfare for all it's worth. I'm in my senior year of nursing school bussing my ass to make the grade and in the end what does it all matter? When in this country if you don't have money, you don't have shit.

I'm not some little priveleged white girl, who isn't really even into college, so I don't matter. My daddy can't just cut some check so it's fuck me right? I feel so totally disrespected by this joke of a financial aid packet it's not even funny. I literally feel like I am a bum standing outside of the financial aid office asking for what they can spare and they threw their pocket change my way. It's bullshit. I mean I really don't know what else to say it just....is.

I guess I just have to do what I do best, and pray. I know me and God ain't the best of friends but hey...at this point in time it's not like I have a lot of other options. It's true what they say when he closes a door he opens a window. Guess I just have to sit back and wait to feel the breeze.