Saving Face

I think my mom knows I like girls... She might not admit to it, or ever speak it aloud, but deep down inside I'm pretty sure she knows. That scares the shit out of me. I don't want her to know. EVER. The only way I'd feel comfortable with her knowing that I love la ladies, is if she could somehow find a way to be TOTALLY cool about it. To accept, and love me just the same. Only if, her knowing that I'm into girls was as if someone had told her I liked the color pink. No big deal, nothing for her to even bat an eyelash at.

This of course, will never EVER happen therefore I never EVER want her to know. I love her, I don't want her to hate me. Or to be ashamed of me, and what I am. I mean I sort of get the short end of the stick having to hide who/what I am, always living on edge terrified of her finding me out, but besides all of this I like our relationship just the way it is. I don't want it to change. And her knowing for fact that I am into females would change EVERYTHING. Who needs it? That's why I simply want to fade away to another state perhaps far across country, and live out that part of my life with her being absolutely none the wiser.