Tuesday, January 27

University Owned...

Just a few quick updates:

[-] My application status with CCF is still pending. So who knows? I'm still praying I get it though. I know, pathetic, right? /:)

[-] Cady and I have developed this new diet challenge to lose weight by graduation, cruise, and my vacation with the fam. I'm so super excited about it. And since it's sorta like a competition I can tell that I'm going to be totally dedicated. B-)

[-] This semester is going to be insane!!! My university is seriously trying to kill us before graduation, so who knows when I'll ever get time to stop in and just blog out the blue... From here on out I have to be in super student mode. #-o

[-]Random: I drank coffee, now I have excruciating boob pain. @-)

Wednesday, January 21

Closer To Fine

Three business days have passed, and I have decided to repress my weekend like a bad nightmare. Stop obsessing and forget all about it, after this post I mean. I didn't get the job [I think]. So whatever. =(( If I am to ever get over the love I feel for the Cleveland Clinic... =P~ I guess I should just forget all about it, or I will forever be spoiled for any other hospital. They probably called TJ and some hating bitch [that pretty much convicts the whole staff] probably went on about how I'm such a horrible employee. =;

Nevertheless, I have to move on. Time to get back on the bandwagon and start applying and interviewing elsewhere. :-B Which totally sucks balls, but again... whatevs. May cannot come, without me having a position somewhere. It simply can't. I'm a nursing student for fuck's sake, graduation is not supposed to come and I still don't have a job. That's for business and all those other majors. Ugh the real world is so stressful. #-o I'm happy for senior year, but I gotta say all this employment business is totally harshing my mellow. :(

Monday, January 19

Cleveland Clinic vol. 2

I don't know how much more of this "not knowing" I can take. It's all I can think about. It's all I want. I just want this job. I'm trying not to worry about it, but I can't help rehashing the whole interview and weekend...over and over again in my mind. Were the smiles and friendliness for real? Did I really do as good as they say I did? Will I get it? When will I know? Is like everyone I know praying in my favor? Will it even matter? The questions and my anxiety are endless.

I don't know for sure either way, but in my head they haven't called back yet so therefore I didn't get it, and I'm already starting to get depressed, and in other words driving myself crazy. I know if it's meant for me I will have it. But that doesn't matter, I just really WANT to have this job. To know, and to be happy, and to be done with the whole damn thing. I don't know how much longer I can go on obsessing and not knowing. It's exhausting. Ugh, I'm going to go try and watch a movie and hope that helps take my mind off it. If not maybe my first day of clinical with "the troll" will. Duces.

Sunday, January 18

Cleveland Clinic

I went on my first nursing interview this weekend, and I am praying with everything that is me that it will be the last [I mean at least for awhile]. I spent the past two days in Cleveland and fell head over heels with the Cleveland Clinic. Believe me when I tell you it is ama-za-zing!!! I friggin love it. And if I don't get hired, I swear I will cry. Before this weekend I had a minor interest in the Clinic but now I feel like I really don't want to do anymore searching, applying, or interviewing I found where I belong. It is a perfect fit, and I can totally see myself working and living there.

Everyone thinks I'm crazy for being so nervous, and are positive that I will get it, but I mean I just don't know. I know the interview seemingly went really well, so well that the nurse manager asked me if I had ever taken classes on interviewing but I mean good interviewing doesn't necessarily mean a job. I have that same feeling I had when I left my first interview at TJUH. Good interview, but in the end I didn't get the job. Not getting this job will break my heart. So please G-d make it happen. [-o<

Saturday, January 10

Me Being Totally Optimistic...

Though this thing with my mom has me still pretty much fugged up, one thing that I believe with my entire being is that EVERYTHING happens for a REASON. Everything is all part of his master plan. Yes, I am both hurt and angered at the same time I believe that G-d wouldn't be putting me through all of this if there wasn't a lesson to be learned, and new strength to be obtained. It may hurt now, but there is always a light at the tunnel's end.

My thoughts is that this whole situation has everything to do with me moving away post graduation. I need to learn to be more independent. This all has taught me that in order to survive in this world I need to be like an island. Standing on my own, totally independent of anyone else. Like Beyonce sang: "Me, Myself, and I-that's all I got in the end: that's what I found out. And it ain't no need to cry, I took a vow that from now on I'ma be my own best friend." It just hurts now because I feel like I'm loosing my mother and my best friend all in one fell swoop, but I'm counting on emerging from this a much better woman. I promise not to let this get the best of me.

Having said that, to aid in my efforts, I am about to engage in a shitload of retail therapy. It is just what the doctor ordered, and in perfect timing with the beginning of the [final..eek] Spring semester of school. I am so excited to buy my Uggs...they are all the cheering up I need. I mean a girl can't stand completely on her own without some fly footwear right? :D

Wednesday, January 7

Happy New Year? vol. 2

This new year has been absolutely atrocious-my brother has been sick, my cousin has been raped... 7 days in, there has been more drama and bad shit happening than all of 2008 combined. I swear I hope all of this is not a sign of more bad things to happen. I just want to be happy back in my bubble of security and naivety. I just want to go back to being hopeful and excited for the future...

Right now I just don't know if that will ever be possible. I feel that I am changed. Nevertheless out of all the bullshit, one thing I have learned is that the only person I can truly count on is myself. From here on out, I have to learn to stand independent of anyone else because people will always let you down. In this world, all you really have is yourself. So from here on out, that's the way I'm living my life. My state of mind is simple: Fuck the World. All about Self. B-)

Saturday, January 3

Today's Lesson vol. 2

I am such a selfish self-absorbed bitch. Everything must always be about me, I must be the center of attention in all situations, even those which are especially dire. I hate that I'm this way, and believe me I wish more than anything that I weren't on this occasion. I have been trying not to be... but I am who I am. And that seemingly cannot be helped. Therefore I decided to just step [all the way] back, and to care from afar. I can't be there anymore. This is most probably best for everyone involved, I think. :-<

Friday, January 2

Happy New Year?

My first post of the new year. I wish it could be on a happier note, and I wish that I could say my new year has been absolutely awesome so far, but I'd be a damn lie. My new year has been straight out of a horror movie. Never would I have ever imagined spending my new years witnessing my baby brother have a seizure and being placed in the Intensive Care Unit of our local hospital with end stage renal failure. But alas G-d said be and it was. A curve ball indeed. I mean dude has never been sick a day in his life. Not even with the normal stuff, like the flu and chicken pox. So imagine everyone's shock when he not only started seizing but we were given the news that his kidneys completely shut down and not even the doctors know why. It is horrible.

It's tough trying to be strong when every fiber of your being is just dying to break. But I can't allow it. I mean who would be the rock for my mother, and more importantly for him? I have to be. It helps to think if I feel like shit, and if I feel like breaking down how he must feel. His whole life has been turned upside down within a day. I really wish it were me instead of him. He's 20 years old for G-d's sake and he has something that he must battle for the rest of his life. I know all the cliches everything happens for a reason, and G-d doesn't give us anything we can't bare because what doesn't kill us only makes us stronger, but damn. It's still mind boggling, and life shattering at this moment.

As much as he drives me crazy at times, it scares the hell out of me imagining my life without him. I love my brother to death and beyond, and I'd give anything to see him healthy again... even one of my own organs. I just pray that I'm his match because as soon as his doctors give the ok I'll gladly hand over one of my own kidneys. God gave me two and our mother always taught us to share, so hey...