Tuesday, July 28

Switch Hitter

Maybe I really don't like boys. Maybe I'm a lesbian. I don't know...

One thing is for certain: I can't allow myself to be with a dude. Like everytime I think I want one and meet one I find the littlest shit to wind up disliking him over. I'm all interested at first but then as soon as he moves closer, I find myself automatically pulling away.

For some unknown reason, I just can't do men. How weird as that? Does that make me a lezzie fer shur? I say I'm bisexual because I mean I find guys attractive, I think they're sexy, I can easily be turned on by one but at the same time...they just don't do it for me. I doubt I'd be having any of these problems if a girl was involved.

So ultimately, what does that mean? I'm in no rush to be "labeled" either way, it isn't the title that concerns me I'm just sooo confused. Like can I ever really meet, get to know, like and love a guy, to settle down and be with for the duration. Or is my love reserved strictly for those of the fairer sex?

Friday, July 24

Sexy Bald Head

Everyones' going ape shit over the fact that Solange cut her hair. So the fugs what?! I for one think it looks good on her. It totally works. Stop hating. And for all those saying that she did it to stop being mistaken for Beyonce, you're wrong...so wrong.

Then again I may be a little biased considering my "she" has a bald head too. I don't know, all of a sudden I find women with bald heads soo cute. Something sexy about it. Don't tell me you don't think Amber Rose is gorge, and sexy as hell with her head all shaved.

As a matter of fact she's probably the one who started the attraction for me, because I was definitely on her when I saw her in Luda's "I Know What Them Girls Want" video. *drools*

Thursday, July 23

All hail the DQ!!!

and no I don't mean Dairy Queen :)

Ok some things that you absolutely MUST know about me is: 1) I worry like it's going out of style. I'm such a pessimist disguised as a realist and one day it's seriously going to kill me. My motto has always been think/prepare for the worst. I think this time it almost did me in though. My stomach is still burning. Think I might have a stomach ulcer. I blame Nursing though... it will be the death of me.


2) I am the biggest drama queen you might ever meet. I was a complete and total wreck yesterday. Good thing I didn't bet my life on failing the NCLEX because I would be dead and would have never gotten the news that I actually passed!!! Finally, I am a licensed registered nurse. No bull that was THE SINGLE MOST HARDEST test I have ever taken in MY LIFE!!! I was only certain of 2 answers out of a total of 75 I was for certain that I failed, BUT I DIDN'T!

Nothing can describe the feeling that came over me when I search my name on the Board of Nursing website and came up with a license number. Holy shit, I'm a nurse. Since then I've probably text'd everyone in my entire phone book, freaked out completely at least twice, and looked at that sight and searched my name about a ga-gillion times. I'm A LICENSED REGISTERED NURSE!!! Now who's gonna hire me?!

** for all my peeps still struggling, I know your pain. this test is NOT a joke. i wish i had more to say that could help but i honestly don't think anything could have prepared me for this test. i studied my ass of and i did 3000+ questions. still didn't seem to help. keep ya head up, practice questions and when you take it (again) relax and make your best educated guess. nursing = suicide. but i have you in my prayers and you CAN do it!!! **

special shoutout to God bc without him
none of this would've been possible
it is truly a miracle that i passed
and i thank you!!

Wednesday, July 22

God Hates My Life

...because I like girls.

I failed the NCLEX today. So disappointed (in myself) and hurt. It wasn't like I didn't study. I studied my ass off but that test was on some whole other ish.

It was seriously the hardest test I have ever taken in my life. Nothing could have prepared me for it. I feel like such an idiot. I've been crying ever since I left the building. My eyes hurt now, in addition to my brain and my heart. I'm sooo sad. So convinced that God has it in for me. I needed NOTHING more than to pass this test, get licensed and to get a job ASAP but noooo....

I swear he hates me, and I'm convinced it's because I like girls. *le sigh*

Wednesday, July 8

I Don't Want To Wait

in vain for your love. -Bob Marley

Still feeling like a shell of a person. I'm not back to being myself yet...

I miss the hell outta booski. I still wake up and go to bed thinking of her but the only difference from now and then is when I wake up I can't just step out onto my balcony and see her. I wake up and the depression of being totally without her settles in and follows me through the entire day.

I toss and turn all night dreaming of her, but at least I'm happy because in my dreams we're together. I feel so empty inside like there's a big part of me missing. I thought it would have passed by now, but maybe I really did leave my heart in Jamaica. It definitely feels that way.

I know what's meant to be, will be...but this loneliness is killing me. I don't even feel human anymore, just lost in this sea of sadness. That only lets up to make way for the feelings of loneliness to overcome me. I want/need her...but I wonder if any old one would do.

My mom is even starting to catch on that I'm different. She asked me yesterday was I depressed or sad about something. She said I was like a zombie. And I am. I didn't even eat yesterday or today, still not hungry. I blamed it on jet lag. Don't know what I'll say if she asks again today...

I just want to be back with her.

Tuesday, July 7

I Decided....

that you are the "her" for me.

I fell completely and madly in love... with a practical stranger. But from the first time I laid eyes on her I knew. My gaydar never sounded so loudly as it did the day I saw her. Ever since then I've been feeling so totally connected to her. I wake up thinking about her, I go to bed thinking about her. I'm in love, and I left my heart in Jamaica. It is literally killing me, it hurts like hell. Every time I think about how I left her I want to cry. I never felt this way about anyone before...