Ineffective Eating Patterns

I am so disgusted with myself. I can't keep doing this. I have a sickness. Food. It's my weakness and I was doing so good but I'm falling back into all my old habits binging then purging...

I feel like such a pig. I really fear that in just a few short months all my hard work will be washed away. That cannot. Willnot. Shallnot. Happen. Something has got to change. I'm thinking of taking the drastic of measures... :-(

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Checking In...

My computer is fugged up with another damn virus and procrastinating I never got the wireless router I needed for my laptop to connect to the Internet so for now I'm stuck blogging from my phone which doesn't suck as much balls as I originally thought that it would but still its not the same. Nevertheless that is why I haven't been around as much. Well that and I've been killing myself working crazy 12 hour shifts...

But I missed this mucho!!! So much has been going on in life and in love I've been desperately craving this outlet blogging gives me so I had to find away to get back to it.

For now I'm much to tired to work everything out in my head as far as all thats been going on so we'll save it all for another day. Just wanted to see how this mobile blogging works and giddily screech "I'm back bitches!!!" :D

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Today's Lessons (8.21.08)

1. Kids with everything to live for choose the dumbest things to die for.

2. North 7 Center nurses do eat their young and the only thing they have taught me during my externship is that I never want to be like them. (excluding the very select few who aren't bitches!) This is such a negative work environment not condusive to my growth as a future nurse.

3. Racism is alive and well.

4. Yayy me!!! I'm cancer free.

Boob Drama Vol.1

Biopsy tomorrow. I could say I'm not the least bit worried...but why lie unnecessarily? ;D

The truth is, I am. Just a little. I think I have a pretty good idea what's going to happen and I've come to grips with it all so I'm expecting that I'll do just fine. But it's kinda one of those situations where you don't really know how you'll react until it's actually happening.

Either way it's not that big of a deal so I'm sure I'll be just fine. At least I will be eventually.

I just want this whole ordeal to be over and done with as soon as possible. Whether it's malignant (and I really doubt that it is) or not. I'm pretty much over this entire situation.

*//* edit*//* 8.19.08

OK so besides experiencing some minor boob pain now, hours after my biopsy, it wasn't that bad. I can honestly say the hardest part was waiting. Which there was a lot of. The actual procedure took about 3 minutes and then the doctor stood applying pressure to the site for another 5. A relatively quick and easy procedure. Novocaine is amazing. I got two shots of it and now like I said hours after the procedure I'm just now feeling the effects of the slight slice in my breast and the tissue being taken from the lump. By the way the doc also thinks that it's just a fibroadenoma. I apparently have a lot of them, and true to medical research am just one of those young black women who are prone to getting them. They're not a big deal and there's not much you can do about it, but I have already decided to get the two in my right breast removed as soon as possible because they are huge, palpable, and sometimes painful. Therefore they must go. But all in all, it's all very good news. So yayyy me! :)

Keep It Moving

It would be down right foolish for me to stop now.
I have 1 year left, and come hell or high water I am graduating May of 2009.
I have worked to hard and I have come to far to just stop now.
I have a rough year ahead of me, I know.
But whatever I'm doing this. =)

++ edit 8.16.08++

The lord works in mysterious ways. I am finally approved for health insurance. Therefore enabling me to dump the university's crappy health care plan. Thus saving a whopping $3,000 on tuition. Once I call Res Life and tell them to cancel my suite that will be another 8 grand saved, so slowly but surely it looks as if I just may be able to pay my tuition this year. With my fingers crossed that I get the scholarships I'm going after this is really going to happen. I will graduate!!!

Financial Aid, My Ass!

I am physically ill. Here it is, another year has gone by and yet again I am faced with the same challenge of possibly not being able to attend school this year. My last year at that. How can this be happening? I mean I am so close. There is a mere 30 weeks seperating me from graduating college, and obtaining my BSN. Well that a grand total of $20,000. Financial aid is a fucking joke. You give a kid with a Expected Family Contribution of 0 a measly $17,000 to go to a university that costs $40,000 just to attend and expect that to suffice.

I get it. They just don't give a fuck, is all. I mean I'm just another poor little black girl who bought into that whole speal about the American Dream. That in this country as long as you have the will and drive to succeed then by golly, you're going to make it. That is bullshit. No one has more will and drive then I do. I have been busting my ass for years trying to make a better life for myself. I'm a twenty something black female not running around the hood spreading my legs for the D-Boys...breeding like it was the only thing I was born to do only to lay around and milk welfare for all it's worth. I'm in my senior year of nursing school bussing my ass to make the grade and in the end what does it all matter? When in this country if you don't have money, you don't have shit.

I'm not some little priveleged white girl, who isn't really even into college, so I don't matter. My daddy can't just cut some check so it's fuck me right? I feel so totally disrespected by this joke of a financial aid packet it's not even funny. I literally feel like I am a bum standing outside of the financial aid office asking for what they can spare and they threw their pocket change my way. It's bullshit. I mean I really don't know what else to say it just....is.

I guess I just have to do what I do best, and pray. I know me and God ain't the best of friends but hey...at this point in time it's not like I have a lot of other options. It's true what they say when he closes a door he opens a window. Guess I just have to sit back and wait to feel the breeze.