Boob Drama vol. 2

I've been dealing with this same thing for nine years, and today is the first day I've spoken with someone intelligent and informed enough to tell me what the hell is going on. I saw the breast specialist today who was kind enough to inform me that I have fibrocystic breast disease. As a result I have to drastically change my diet. And when I say drastically believe me I mean drastically.... It might be easier to list all of the things I can eat but here is what's definitely out: soda coffee, tea, chocolate, cheese, milk, lobster, shrimp, crabs, and red meat. And well there goes about 75% of my diet. All of this stuff will either contribute to more masses or additional pain from the ones already developed. This is going to take a bunch of will power and effort to change but I'm excited for what might be a totally healthier diet and lifestyle. I'm thinking vegetarian... ;D

She also scheduled me for surgery in about three weeks. I'm kinda freaking about that because it's towards the end of the school year...the time when my instructors just love to cram any and everything they can think of into the last weeks of school but alas it must be done. I'm just hoping for top shelf pain meds because I'll be in surgery one day and back at school the next. I'm a senior nursing student, which means I have to schedule silly things like dinner do you honestly think there's time to be recover from surgery?

I don't even want to think about work. I'll let them know what my deal is tomorrow, but I can't honestly see me going in to work and caring, washing, lifting, and turning other surgery patients fresh from surgery myself. There's not enough pain meds in the world, they can suck my balls. I'm thinking time off will definitely be in order. Speaking of work, tomorrow is my first day with a nurse...I'm scheduled to be with Charge Bitch who in all fairness is a really good nurse, but if you haven't already guessed it: a total bitch! For some reason she hates externs. So that should make for one helluva shift -.-

I just want to learn. So whoever I'm with I hope "irregardless" of all the secondary bullshit hangups I do just that :-/

Working the Weekend

I am sore. All over. At this point in time I would rather chop my hands, feet, and legs off then deal with the pain. I must have been crazy agreeing to work a 16 hour shift, my very first double. I'm sure my pockets will thank me in two weeks but right now by body is cursing me. I'm currently craving the hottest shower the body can stand but after washing my hands approximately 6 billion times this weekend, they're all chaffed, wrinkled, and burning...water is the last thing to help. My hands look like they belong to a 92 year old woman...not hot. If I never take another set of vital signs or do another accucheck, or make another bed or do another bath in life, I would not mind in the least. In fact, I could die happily. I think I've overdosed on work this weekend. As if I needed to hate my job anymore.

The only upside of killing myself this weekend was my newly developed crush. I don't even know her name but for now she's affectionately labeled hot resident lady. My god, she is gorgeous. I don't know if she only works the weekends, or is new to the trauma service but I have been head over heels since first glance. She spent a lot of time on the unit seeing patients and writing orders, and rounding and I spent a lot of time just watching, admiring, and swooning from afar. Creeper, right? I can't help it though. I cannot be blamed. She's like perfect. Tall. Tan. Cute short cut. Smart, obviously...I mean she's a Doctor. Not to mention she seems really sweet. Needless to say in addition to all the vitals, accuchecks, beds and baths there was tons of crushing going on as well. What can I say? I like her. I like her a lot. =D

And there was a total OMG moment this weekend as well.... I found out that one of the nurses on my floor: total lesbian. All this time, there's been family in the midst and I hadn't the slightest idea. Well maybe the slightest... I'm not all that shocked I mean I probably could have picked her out of our unit's lineup if there ever was one but still it was like weird. I never knew she was so OUT about it. That's cool though. To bad she's kind of a bitch...and so not one of my faves but she gets a few cool points for loving la ladies. Whatevs. I'm hurting and I have mucho school work to get through, so enough is enough, I'm peacin'.

Lesbian, MD

So today I had my first appointment with the new PCP, and I'm kind of hiding it from the mother. Shit would hit the fan if she knew being as though this woman is an OUT lesbian. Everyone in the community knows it, and silly me...I've been avoiding seeing her for like the longest time because of it. As if my going to her would somehow OUT me. Truth of the matter is lesbian or not she's a really nice person, and from all that I've seen today a really good doctor. Her being invested in helping me to be healthy and stay healthy is all that mattered to me in choosing her, seeing as though it's not like she's young or hot. I had a doctor that was pretty much impossible to see without waiting months for an appointment so finally I said screw it, and picked Dr. Lez.

Of course there was the prerequisite nervousness I always feel when I'm around lesbians... I always feel so weird around other women lovers like they can somehow smell the gay in me. I know I'm completely insane but I'm always fearful that their gaydays are sounding loud and proud whenever I get within a five foot radius of them. This wouldn't always necessarily be a bad thing especially considering the fact that this could attract really great potential, but when I'm around family or other people who are none-the-wiser this sets off constant fear of being outted. God, I'm such a freak right? Long story short, regardless of my doc's sexual preference she gets the job done and I feel comfortable in her care. Today felt like the beginning of a long and prosperous doctor/patient relationship. =)

Obtw...Boob Drama Update, my surgical consult is scheduled. More info to come next Tuesday.

Girl Crush vol. 2

Yesterday my best friend asked me why I didn't have a boyfriend...I don't think she's ready to hear about how at this point in my life, I'd much rather have a girlfriend. Or how I'm attracted to boys, because I can easily admit it some are really very gorgeous and sexy, but for now all I can think about is being with another girl.

I hate keeping things from them but you know what I hate even more, having to hide who I am in the first place. But I doubt that they would understand. It would be hella weird, and I'm chicken shit. So long story short, I gave her the unabridged version..."Oh I'm focusing on school right now. I have so much going on in life as is without adding a boo to the equation." Which I mean is some sort of the truth... =/ Oh well and whatevs.

[a][d][d][e][d]

My future career as a nurse, has the potential to be a very wise decision or a very dangerous one. Some of the sexiest women around are nurses, I'm still trying to decide if that's a good or bad thing. Considering the fact that I just spent all clinical lusting over the nurse I was assigned to work with, I'm not so sure. I feel like such a horn ball...I mean on one hand, working with someone who was hot not to mention super nice, and outgoing was a very pleasant surprise considering what I'm usually stuck with. We spent pratically the whole shift talking which was definitely a welcomed suprise considering as student nurses we're pretty much overlooked and disrespected. And my god, she had the most beautiful gray eyes, I had to keep turning my eyes away from hers out of fear of drowning in them. Today was a good day, but if I was a registered nurse, god only knows how many mistakes I may have made in my patient care working with someone as gorgeous as her. It's kind of hard to keep my wits about me, GAWD I am soo BI! =D

As careers are concerned it was either a nurse or a police officer and by the looks of B in this uniform, I think I would have been screwed either way...

Speaking of lady cops, in a random twist of events Misses Officer zoomed by me on the highway today. She's sexy and once upon a time I was really feeling her style, but nevertheless she is a bitch and I refuse to go that route again. From past experience I know that story does not end well. I still can't help but to think of her whenever I hear the Lil' Wayne song, and now whenever I see this damn Like A Boy video...

What About Your Friends?

Holy Shit We're Mean Girls!!!

MsLeadingLady, AM, MP, and BB.

Ok so as lame as this might sound/actually be...this is sooo la girlas and me. Last night, in thinking about recent drama and events I realized that our group dynamic and personalities are practically identical to the cast and characters of this movie Mean Girls.

"She's fabulous but she's evil."

Regina George, Totally AM. I love girlie to death but no if ands or buts about it she's A BITCH! And since I believe in making excuses for my loved ones: she's a Gemini, sometimes I seriously doubt that she can help it. I mean a true Gem. One minute she's the life of the party, one of the most hilarious people you'll ever meet...the next evil takes a human form in AM, and she's a fire breathing dragon. Cruel and bitchy for no apparent reason whatsoever. She's a no holds bar, take no shit, kick ass and ask questions later kinda gal...so for that reason flaws and all, she's our leader.

"I love her, she's like a Martian."

MP is definitely Cady Heron. Like Cady, MP spent her younger years growing up in another country so doesn't have the stupid little hang ups us American bred kids have. She is the sweetest person, the type who would give the shirt off her back if you needed one. A true I'd do anything for you type of friend. Besides MP is our little human calculator, one who actually likes math. I know, right? Ew.

"She's one of the dumbest girls you'll ever meet."

Then there's BB. The resident air head. BB is all innocent and sheltered, and definitely provides the comic relief, as some of the stuff that comes out of her mouth is just so not smart. She's the type whom in growing up still managed to keep in touch with the kid that lives inside of her. Sometimes it's downright refreshing, not to mention hilarious. Although I must admit most of the time we're not really laughing with her, but more like at her but shes still our girl and we love her. BB is Karen without question.

"Gretchen Weiners knows everybody's business.

She know's everything about everyone."

Last but not least, there's Ms. Gretchen Weiners or as you know her... Ms.LeadingLady or otherwise known as ME!!! Besides being SO FETCH and loving attention, my hair is full of secrets. I am the nosy know-it-all, and I must admit, sometimes I do pacify Regina (or AM). In addition, I am a talker so sometimes my mouth does get the best of me. Like: [Open mouth: insert foot]. Irregardless, I'm sorry that people are so jealous of me...but I can't help it that I'm so popular. =)

And if our school was US weekly, believe me we'd always be on the cover. ;-)

The Voice Within

I kinda...want to be THAT girl. A part of me does anyway.

I miss my dad and my sisters, just a bit. I wish he wasn't such a fucktard worthless peice of shit for a father. I wish he could be the dad to me that he is to them. Saw his sister in the market yesterday, wasn't a good deal. I miss the way that it used to be, even if it was unreal.

I can't really talk shit on them anymore. I'm so much like them, undercover. It would kill my mother if she knew. That's why I don't want her to ever EVER find out. Ironic.

I have to get away from this place someday. It's fuggin stifling, is what it is. I hate being in this box. Hiding. & being fake. As in, you know...not me. Its hard to feel connected to people you know wouldn't love you if they knew the truth, the real you. Er.

I really need to start counting down the days until I can move to Cali again..that helped. I've been thinking about New York. It's a kick ass place I think. I could get used to the crowds but it's a little to close for comfort, if you know what I mean. So California it is.

Updating iTunes this very instant...music pretty much gets me by and has been getting me through for years now. Just keep it up. Just a little while longer. Don't know what I'd do without it. =[