Weary

Aww, I missed this. Blogging. This job is all consuming. I come home. Shower. Eat. Sleep. Wake up. Work. Repeat. Ugh yes, I have turned into a boring working woman, thanks for asking. Anyhow besides all that I have this nagging feeling that will NOT go away. I can't shake this feeling that I really, no like REALLY am ready for the dream. I wan't my movie script ending. To meet my soul mate. Fall madly in love. Get married. Move into our dream home. Have 2.5 children. Then of course, live happily ever after. Problem with that, it only happens in fairy tales, not REAL LIFE.

It's tough meeting THE ONE. I honestly don't even know if that sort of thing really exists. In real life you have to kiss a lot of frogs to meet a real prince. They are few and far in between, my friends. That's a lot of time and energy I honestly do not have. I'm not sure I'd have it even if I met my prince (although for HIM, I'd make time). I just feel like I have pretty much everything else I want in life, except well LOVE. Real love, the stuff dreams are made of.

Like India.Arie I AM READY FOR LOVE. "Whoever said love was over rated, must not be getting none. My independent days have had their fun, but when the day is over and the working day is done, I just want to come home to someone." (-Amel Larrieux) Not to mention I keep thinking of this little girl. I literally CANNOT get her off the brain. I even dream of her. This daughter I am supposed/want to have. I'm 24 and my biological clock is already ticking. What the hell?! But I want the dream, I have high expectations, and I refuse to settle for anything less than butterflies.

I don't want to be like everyone else my age just having kids for the fcuk of it. Who ever I bare a child for, you better believe I will bare his last name as well. I don't want to be my mother. And struggle as a single mother. I want to do things RIGHT. I want my children to grow up in a loving household with both of their parents. And so I wait, and I pray. I got the idea to make a list of everything I want my HIM to be and put it in my bible and let God find him for me, and that's exactly what I intend to do. I'm still working on the list but so far he is amazing on paper, hope there's someone out there for me who can measure up. Being not only everything I want but everything I need as well.

Later, Hater!!

I don't mean to sound like a snob or a bitch in this post but hey, it is what it is... I am 24 years old. I have a brand new career. An apartment. Bills. Responsibility. What I don't have is time for petty drama and gossip. It's one thing I keep noticing and have ever since I got this job and made my move is that I can no longer associate with the same calaber of people I once have. Some people are stuck [on stupid] and haven't displayed any growth the whole time that I have known them. They are content with where they are and what they have, and just because this is their reality I've noticed that they want me to be just like them... stuck.

But I refuse. My motto is and has always been "proceed, progress". Grow up and constanstly make change for the better. If your life isn't going according to plan don't sit there and settle then expect others to do the same, and then hate on them when they don't. Get off your ass, roll up your sleeves and get ready to put in work. The more successful I get these are the same folk looking and noticing that my life is on the up & up and wanting to bring me back down to their level. And boy are they reaching... trying to get their hands on anything that can pull me down. But believe you me, I've worked hard to be where I am at and to have what I have. I am to smart to ever let them catch me slipping. Even if I did, they would be some of the last if any to know. They will never knock my hustle.

Anyway, I'm just fed up with all the sneakiness, and underhanded hating... and despite all of that, I love them and wish them nothing but the best in all of their endeavors. I just know that I can no longer associate myself and be concerned with people like them. From here on out if you aren't bringing positivity and warm wishes my way then I really don't need you in my life. Plain and simple I'm over you. I'm surrounding myself with people who are on my level, people of substance. In other words, people who are about something other then causing drama and delivering hate and negativity in the lives of others. Jealously really is a sickness and I sincerely hope they get a life and get well soon... In the meantime [and Kanye said it best] I'm going to use their hate as the steam to power my dreams. HAHA!!!

Sent from Heaven...

I am so grateful for my life right now. I don't have everything I want, but I have everything I need. This job offer seems to be sent from heaven. Every day gets better than the last. I finally have a job where I am actually happy to get up and go into work. When I was applying and interviewing for this job I prayed to God to only give me this job if it was best for me in all affairs of my life and so far, so good. He answered my prayers. Thank you Lord, this is truly a blessing. I don't mean to get all sanctified and holy in this post but that is seriously how happy I am with where I am in life right now, and I know none of it would have been possible without God's grace and favor. So again, I thank you and please God let me just as happy as I am now maybe thirty or forty years in... lol..

My First Day of Work

Spent most of the day reviewing policy and procedures, yawning and trying to stay awake, the other half shadowing and trying my hand at machine preparation. Not much, but after 10 hours still exhausted. So happy to have the next two days off... Can't imagine how dead I'll be after working three days (30 hours) straight after that. Welcome to the real world, eh? Still can't believe that I'm "THE" nurse, but it's cool something I can definitely get used to. Can't wait for my first grown up paycheck... my grown up bills are already rolling in. May not get to enjoy it, but still waiting nonetheless.

Employed!!

Please let all the records show that August 31st, 2009 was the second happiest day of my life this summer!! Considering the fact that I finally got offered not only a job, but THE job- my dream job 8/31 was a pretty killer day. So it took me all summer to find a job but it's true, good things do come to those who wait. It's like with this job I have everything I ever wanted. A job in a field I'm interested in, out of my home state, in a top hospital. Not only did I get a top hospital I got THE top hospital in America- Johns (effin) Hopkins baby!!!

After all the worrying, and crying, and praying I finally have exactly what I wanted, and all praise be to God for that! I start in 3 weeks so for now I have to focus all my attention towards packing up the only life I have ever known here in PA to start my new life in MD. Can't believe it's all happening for reals. I'm expecting to wake up in any second to find out it was all a dream... I haven't been this happy since the day I passed the NCLEX ;)

Living La Vida Loca

I have decided that it is time, for the next 6 years (God willing) I'm dedicating myself wholly to enjoying the last of my twenties. Up until this point I have yet to really live. I'll be 24 years old in a matter of days and what can I say that I have done that signifies life? The answer is a resounding, NOTHING! Damn shame.

The question I keep asking myself is: if not now, when? No one is ever promised tomorrow today, in a split unfortunate second it could all be over. I don't want to be that woman looking back over her life all tangled up in roads she hasn't traveled. I want to live my life to the absolute fullest, I must!

I'm twenty four years young, it's about time I start acting like it. And in light of recent events, now I don't have to answer to anyone but God. Loves it!!! This girl is going to finally start acting all growed up from here on out.

This is Only A Test

In a blink of an eye, my whole life changed...

But it's kind of like what Granny keeps telling me "When life gets rough, you get tough". In the end, God sees far beyond what we do, and everything happens according to his plan and his will. Some things fall apart, so even better things can fall together. For the first time in my life, I'm going forward solely on faith alone. I KNOW that God will see me through this.

I won't go into great detail about everything that has been transpiring this past week, all I will say is this: I hope she knows what she's done and I hope she made a choice that she can live with because there's no turning back from here. What's done is done, and she killed something in me that she can never and will never get back. I've been disregarded and placed on her back burner for the last and final time, EVER! I forgive her, but I will never forget this and we can never go back to the way we were.

Ignorance is Bliss

For as long as I can remember, all I ever wanted to be was an RN, a Real-live Nurse. I'm wondering now if that will ever happen for me... In this current state I'm finding myself in I'm seriously doubting it. I'm just so depressed and even more so discouraged. All the studying, all the tests, all the sweat, blood, tears, and money... what was it all for? All my enthusiasm, love and passion, drive and ambition, not to mention a pure desire, want and need to practice nursing, what does it all mean when no one will even give me a chance?

I honestly do know what more I can do. I've given my all to a field that seemingly has no need, respect or want for a new grad such as myself. For me to be the future of nursing, over these past few months I have been feeling worthless and unwanted more than anything. When I was in school they painted this pretty little picture of nursing for us... had me dying to finish school and become a nurse, to bad it was a only mirage. We've been hoodwinked my friends.

Now all I want more than anything (besides maybe finding a job) is to go back. I gotta tell you, the ignorance was BLISS!! Having said that, even through all the bullshit I still LOVE nursing (to death)! If I had to do it all over again, I would still choose nursing. If I can't be a nurse I seriously do not know what else I could be or what else I would rather do. Nursing is my life. Now if only employers could understand that, and give me a job...

This is Bullshit!

I need a job. I'm sick of filling out applications. I'm sick of not getting called back. I'm sick of interviews. Going, and again not getting called back after SUPERB interviews. I'm sick of being broke. Just sick of all the bullshit...

I didn't go to college, and work my ass of to obtain my degree and kill myself to pass the NCLEX (with 75 questions I might so smugly add) for this shit. This is wack. I want a job, and I want it now!!! Or at least before my birthday by the latest... That would be the best birthday gift EVER!! I'm tired. Really, honestly, do not know how much more of this I can take. Like seriously, WTF?!?!?!

All hail the DQ!!!

and no I don't mean Dairy Queen :)

Ok some things that you absolutely MUST know about me is: 1) I worry like it's going out of style. I'm such a pessimist disguised as a realist and one day it's seriously going to kill me. My motto has always been think/prepare for the worst. I think this time it almost did me in though. My stomach is still burning. Think I might have a stomach ulcer. I blame Nursing though... it will be the death of me.

and....

2) I am the biggest drama queen you might ever meet. I was a complete and total wreck yesterday. Good thing I didn't bet my life on failing the NCLEX because I would be dead and would have never gotten the news that I actually passed!!! Finally, I am a licensed registered nurse. No bull that was THE SINGLE MOST HARDEST test I have ever taken in MY LIFE!!! I was only certain of 2 answers out of a total of 75 I was for certain that I failed, BUT I DIDN'T!

Nothing can describe the feeling that came over me when I search my name on the Board of Nursing website and came up with a license number. Holy shit, I'm a nurse. Since then I've probably text'd everyone in my entire phone book, freaked out completely at least twice, and looked at that sight and searched my name about a ga-gillion times. I'm A LICENSED REGISTERED NURSE!!! Now who's gonna hire me?!

** for all my peeps still struggling, I know your pain. this test is NOT a joke. i wish i had more to say that could help but i honestly don't think anything could have prepared me for this test. i studied my ass of and i did 3000+ questions. still didn't seem to help. keep ya head up, practice questions and when you take it (again) relax and make your best educated guess. nursing = suicide. but i have you in my prayers and you CAN do it!!! **

special shoutout to God bc without him

none of this would've been possible

it is truly a miracle that i passed

and i thank you!!

God Hates My Life

...because I like girls.

I failed the NCLEX today. So disappointed (in myself) and hurt. It wasn't like I didn't study. I studied my ass off but that test was on some whole other ish.

It was seriously the hardest test I have ever taken in my life. Nothing could have prepared me for it. I feel like such an idiot. I've been crying ever since I left the building. My eyes hurt now, in addition to my brain and my heart. I'm sooo sad. So convinced that God has it in for me. I needed NOTHING more than to pass this test, get licensed and to get a job ASAP but noooo....

I swear he hates me, and I'm convinced it's because I like girls. *le sigh*

I Decided....

that you are the "her" for me.

I fell completely and madly in love... with a practical stranger. But from the first time I laid eyes on her I knew. My gaydar never sounded so loudly as it did the day I saw her. Ever since then I've been feeling so totally connected to her. I wake up thinking about her, I go to bed thinking about her. I'm in love, and I left my heart in Jamaica. It is literally killing me, it hurts like hell. Every time I think about how I left her I want to cry. I never felt this way about anyone before...

Fcuk the World With A Dirty Dick

Does she really not fcuking get it? Does she honestly thing this is a walk in the fcuking park for me? Like I want to live like this. Like a fcuking bum? No job, no money. A degree and not shit else to show for my sweat, blood, and tears over the past 6 years? Oh yeah because that's such the glamorous life. This is what I've grown up aspiring to be. Broke as shit.

I'm a 23 year old college graduate about to take a job at Rita's fcuking Water Ice making $7.50 a fcuking hour just to have my own just so I don't have to depend on anyone. Just so there isn't anyone who can sit there and throw what they've done up in my face. That is the main reason why I've always worked, since the day I was able so I wouldn't have to put up with stupid shit like this. I'm to the point where I'll live in my car on the fcuking streets just so I don't have to depend on my "supposed" family any more.

And she wonders why I've always planned to move far, far away. Because guess what mommy fcuking dearest, I learned years ago the only person I can truly depend on is myself. Yeah people claim to be so proud of you, and to back you 100% of the way when the going is good but let shit get tough, you see whose really standing there with you. You've shown me your true colors today. Fcuk you, I'm through.

Misery

I am such a miserable fcuking cunt, these days. I can't live like this, something has got to give. For as long as I can remember I've had a job and I've had my own money. I'm not built to live like some second class citizen depending on others. It's seriously starting to fcuk with me. Believe you me, I am someone that needs to be in complete isolation right now. I am a bitch on wheels, just lashing out at any and everyone... I'm not happy. I feel like I'm in fcuking hell.

I'm a college graduate, wasn't that supposed to make life easier? I know it's going to take time to be where I envision myself being, but damn this is getting just a tad bit ridiculous. Never in my wildest dreams would I have ever imagined graduating college and having to live like this. I am going insane.

So everything I previously said has gone right out the window. I don't care where I get the job, I just need a job. I'm even willing to work in a nursing home. If it's money I don't give a fcuk from here on out I'll do it. I always thought I have a college degree, the point of going to college was so that I would have a career that I could enjoy. College would pave the way for me to have a job I'd be happy to wake up and go to every morning. I went to college so I didn't have to live the rest of my life in misery...

Well guess what, I went to college and I'm still miserable. Any job is better than no job at all. I just want money. So yeah maybe I'll sell my soul and lose all my dignity in the process, but what the fcuk, it can't get no worst than this can it? I feel like I'm already at rock bottom, the only way I've got left to go is up.

I'm Sorry Mama vol. 2

I'm getting to old to be living with my mama. When it gets to the point where you don't feel like abiding by folks' rules and being who they say you should be, it's time to go. Oh and best believe I'm soooo to that point. I just want to do me. I'm grown, I'm allowed. And somehow, she just doesn't seem to get that.

She lived her life, and yet she acts like it's some fuggin crime for me to do the same. She's always up my ass, "Where are you at?" "Oh why are you there?" "You've been out with her a lot" "Well when do you plan on coming home?" It's always the third degree and I'm sick of having to explain myself every time I turn around. I feel like yelling "because I'm grown bitch!" and that would be enough said. It's all just a little much. I'm over it. Leave me the fcuk alone!!! Like seriously, Chill!!

But I live under her roof, I eat her food, I take her money so for now I have to do as she says. I can't wait to take the boards, get a job, and most importantly get my own place, because this just isn't working for me. Time for ol' girl to cut the umbilical cord and stand on her own two feet... this is some bullshit.

Graduate School Here I Come...

I feel like I have struck GOLD. Ever since I graduated, and if we're being completely honest even a bit before, I felt so lost. No job, no direction what the hell was I to do with my life? I hate just sitting around feeling stuck, wondering what's next? I want to proceed and progress, you know? Graduating college was supposed to be just the beginning, and now I feel like it is.

I'm applying to GRAD school!!!

U of P is where I belong. It's where my life's path is taking me next. They have exactly what I want, and what I need. It's no secret that I never wanted to just settle for being a Registered Nurse. When I first started to even consider nursing as a career my very first thoughts never even went to Registered Nurse, right out the box it was Nurse Practitioner. And granted, throughout nursing school the exact type of nursing I would practice as a practitioner has changed, that general idea hasn't. At first I thought I wanted to work Trauma and therefore be an Acute Care Nurse Practitioner, but nope not for me. I mean don't get me wrong I love Trauma, and how it's all fast paced and adrenaline laced, not to mention the prestige and honor saying I'm a Trauma NP, BUT...

I love working with people during a happy and exciting time of their life. As an nurse practitioner in OB I'll be worried less about saving lives, and more concerned with bringing lives into the world. How awesome would it be to go to work and deliver babies every day for a living. That's so much more ME... In retrospect, I've always known this in fact this was my very first choice in nursing. I even did my high school senior project on Nursing in Obstetrics but somehow, over the years I let the dream get away from me. Until I had OB in college, and it all came flooding right back to me.

So back to U of P, I'm definitely applying. Through their grad school I can be exactly what I always wanted to be and I don't have to choose between my love of OB and Women's Health since their program will allow duel certification I'll come out being a Women's Health Nurse Practitioner, and a Certified Nurse-Midwife. How fucking perfect is that?! Please god, let me get accepted into this program!! I did my research and I have it all figured out, I'll work and go to school part time for the next 3 years and I'll have my Masters by 27. Not bad huh???

My minds made up, and I am sooo excited.... Now all there's left to do is get accepted. ***Thinking positively***

** [E/D/I/T] **

SHIT!!! The only hole in my otherwise perfect plan: Going to that particular Grad School requires me to be here @ least another 3 years... Is it worth it?

College Graduate

Sooooo bored.

I hate life post graduation. I need a job, being broke and staying home bored day in and day out isn't really going to work for me. So far the only thing I have to look forward to is possible getting trained in home dialysis for my brother starting next month. Definitely something impressive to add to my resume which hopefully will propel nurse recruiters and nurse managers every where to seek me out and hire me.

All I know for sure is that I can't take much more of things as they are I WILL promptly go INSANE. >:(

Ahhhhhhhhh!!!!!!

Graduation is downright depressing. How can I be excited and happy, when come May 16th I am going to be a straight up bum...with a degree. There's no bright and promising future for me, I don't have a job. So I graduate and then what... I work at WaWa? That's that bullshit. Like what the hell am I supposed to do for money? How am I even supposed to take the effin NCLEX if I don't have the $200 it costs to pay for that shit?

And I'm supposed to be happy? For what? I would totally stay in school another year if it meant come 2010 I'd be graduating with a job. I have like nothing to look forward to. I'm supposed to be starting my life and instead I'm just going to graduate and be stuck. All progression pretty much ends with that. Yeah graduations a hilight, and climax of my life...but then what? I come crashing back down to reality where I'm a broke unemployed bum? I'm not happy this sucks. Fuck my fucking life, and this stupid ass economy!!!

Discouraged

I'm hyperventilating. I'm pretty much done with classes, graduation is about a month and some change away, and I still do not have a job. In the words of Tim Gunn, "this concerns me". I have an interview on Thursday, but I am like so discouraged. I want the job, but whether or not I'll get it is an entirely different story. All that think positive mumbo jumbo is going right out the window, I really doubt that I will get it. And with the week I am having I really cannot afford to waste time.

I'm going to go, I'm going to kick ass (I hope) I just hope it makes a difference. Like don't tell me I interview well, and then never call and/or turn me down for the job (ahem...clevelend!) I really don't want to get jerked around this time. I have been praying like crazy for G-d to send me a job offer, and then comes the phone call from this recruiter, so I hope this is it.

It will totally suck not to graduate with a job. And my mom made a good point, if I know where I'm going and what I'm doing that can kind of give people an idea for graduation gifts...like MONEY and stuff for my apartment, which I'm most definitely going to need. I'm just tired. Please g-d let this job be it. I don't know how much more I can take of this.

Bitch Fest...

I know I haven't been visiting and writing as much but life is all around pretty sucky right now. Well not really, but for this past week I've been feeling like ick, and before that I was just to damn busy. Maybe it's the weather, but I'm feeling hella depressed all of a sudden. I swear I have SAD (seasonal affective disorder), no joke. When the weather sucks, I pretty much suck right along with it. Anyhow I'm definitely feeling a little OWL. I'm broke, I'm lonely, and I'm hella stressed and annoyed about almost everything. A bitch on wheels is what I feel like.

It's a huge cycle of wretchedness. Like I need money so I need to work, but I hate my job, and I also don't really have the time to make the money I need anyhow, and I don't want to work those kind of hours anyways because I hate the whole atmosphere of TJ. But then it's like when I don't work I have to hear my mom bitch about devoting her whole check to bills, and paying for this and not having the money to pay for that and I mean I want to help but how can I when I have my own stuff going on, like bills, senior year, conventions, vacations, job searching.

Which brings me to my next point...grr, job searching. This fucking economy has even us nursing students STUCK. Like since when do nursing majors have to scrap for jobs? In the past hospitals used to be at our feet begging us to come work for them, throwing all kinds of incentives our way to get us in the door. Well those days are long gone, much to my dismay. I hate telling people I graduate in May and the next question out of their mouths is "Do you have a job yet?" Ummm....a big fat no!! I wish. I'm whoring myself out to every hospital, applying for units I have no interest in whatsoever just to find someone anyone who will take me. I honestly cannot graduate and not have a gig. I really and trully cannot afford it. And I mean school is drawing to a close quicker than I want to even acknowledge. It's all one big suckfest. And through it all I'm still trying to stay positive. Still trying to bust my ass and git r done, but I don't know. On days like this it all gets to be just a bit overwhelming...and I feel like the weight of the world is on my shoulder. Er.

Even my friends are starting to bother me, lord knows for the past two weeks I've been really wanting to KILL Cady. She's such a loud mouthed, attention craved BUTINSKI and I swear its been irking my SOUL. I love her to death but with the way I've been feeling I'm really not feeling her as of late. And I really haven't been wanting to mention it aloud but I'm really feeling lonely too. Like I want to be in love. With a girl, because God knows a boy just doesn't do it for me, romantically on that level...at least of late. The Officer I met that time at work called me some time ago, and I mean I could have feigned interest in him just to be involved with someone, but in my mind I know there's no chemistry and I just felt like ew, I don't really want to be in a relationship with a dude right now. Does that make me bisexual still? I don't even want to think about. It's just problems on top of problems. And I think I've bitched enough so I'm going to just leave it at that for now. Hope I can come back next time in a much better mood, with even better news.