Sent from Heaven...

I am so grateful for my life right now. I don't have everything I want, but I have everything I need. This job offer seems to be sent from heaven. Every day gets better than the last. I finally have a job where I am actually happy to get up and go into work. When I was applying and interviewing for this job I prayed to God to only give me this job if it was best for me in all affairs of my life and so far, so good. He answered my prayers. Thank you Lord, this is truly a blessing. I don't mean to get all sanctified and holy in this post but that is seriously how happy I am with where I am in life right now, and I know none of it would have been possible without God's grace and favor. So again, I thank you and please God let me just as happy as I am now maybe thirty or forty years in... lol..

My First Day of Work

Spent most of the day reviewing policy and procedures, yawning and trying to stay awake, the other half shadowing and trying my hand at machine preparation. Not much, but after 10 hours still exhausted. So happy to have the next two days off... Can't imagine how dead I'll be after working three days (30 hours) straight after that. Welcome to the real world, eh? Still can't believe that I'm "THE" nurse, but it's cool something I can definitely get used to. Can't wait for my first grown up paycheck... my grown up bills are already rolling in. May not get to enjoy it, but still waiting nonetheless.

Employed!!

Please let all the records show that August 31st, 2009 was the second happiest day of my life this summer!! Considering the fact that I finally got offered not only a job, but THE job- my dream job 8/31 was a pretty killer day. So it took me all summer to find a job but it's true, good things do come to those who wait. It's like with this job I have everything I ever wanted. A job in a field I'm interested in, out of my home state, in a top hospital. Not only did I get a top hospital I got THE top hospital in America- Johns (effin) Hopkins baby!!!

After all the worrying, and crying, and praying I finally have exactly what I wanted, and all praise be to God for that! I start in 3 weeks so for now I have to focus all my attention towards packing up the only life I have ever known here in PA to start my new life in MD. Can't believe it's all happening for reals. I'm expecting to wake up in any second to find out it was all a dream... I haven't been this happy since the day I passed the NCLEX ;)

All hail the DQ!!!

and no I don't mean Dairy Queen :)

Ok some things that you absolutely MUST know about me is: 1) I worry like it's going out of style. I'm such a pessimist disguised as a realist and one day it's seriously going to kill me. My motto has always been think/prepare for the worst. I think this time it almost did me in though. My stomach is still burning. Think I might have a stomach ulcer. I blame Nursing though... it will be the death of me.

and....

2) I am the biggest drama queen you might ever meet. I was a complete and total wreck yesterday. Good thing I didn't bet my life on failing the NCLEX because I would be dead and would have never gotten the news that I actually passed!!! Finally, I am a licensed registered nurse. No bull that was THE SINGLE MOST HARDEST test I have ever taken in MY LIFE!!! I was only certain of 2 answers out of a total of 75 I was for certain that I failed, BUT I DIDN'T!

Nothing can describe the feeling that came over me when I search my name on the Board of Nursing website and came up with a license number. Holy shit, I'm a nurse. Since then I've probably text'd everyone in my entire phone book, freaked out completely at least twice, and looked at that sight and searched my name about a ga-gillion times. I'm A LICENSED REGISTERED NURSE!!! Now who's gonna hire me?!

** for all my peeps still struggling, I know your pain. this test is NOT a joke. i wish i had more to say that could help but i honestly don't think anything could have prepared me for this test. i studied my ass of and i did 3000+ questions. still didn't seem to help. keep ya head up, practice questions and when you take it (again) relax and make your best educated guess. nursing = suicide. but i have you in my prayers and you CAN do it!!! **

special shoutout to God bc without him

none of this would've been possible

it is truly a miracle that i passed

and i thank you!!

God Hates My Life

...because I like girls.

I failed the NCLEX today. So disappointed (in myself) and hurt. It wasn't like I didn't study. I studied my ass off but that test was on some whole other ish.

It was seriously the hardest test I have ever taken in my life. Nothing could have prepared me for it. I feel like such an idiot. I've been crying ever since I left the building. My eyes hurt now, in addition to my brain and my heart. I'm sooo sad. So convinced that God has it in for me. I needed NOTHING more than to pass this test, get licensed and to get a job ASAP but noooo....

I swear he hates me, and I'm convinced it's because I like girls. *le sigh*

Coming Home

I have to admit, I was thinking about leaving here. Being done with the sunny days, and starry nights.

But I like it here. This is me. This is my home. I'll probably revamp somethings but I'm back and I'm here to stay.

I missed you, did you miss me? No? Ok, well whatevs... ;)

Graduate School Here I Come...

I feel like I have struck GOLD. Ever since I graduated, and if we're being completely honest even a bit before, I felt so lost. No job, no direction what the hell was I to do with my life? I hate just sitting around feeling stuck, wondering what's next? I want to proceed and progress, you know? Graduating college was supposed to be just the beginning, and now I feel like it is.

I'm applying to GRAD school!!!

U of P is where I belong. It's where my life's path is taking me next. They have exactly what I want, and what I need. It's no secret that I never wanted to just settle for being a Registered Nurse. When I first started to even consider nursing as a career my very first thoughts never even went to Registered Nurse, right out the box it was Nurse Practitioner. And granted, throughout nursing school the exact type of nursing I would practice as a practitioner has changed, that general idea hasn't. At first I thought I wanted to work Trauma and therefore be an Acute Care Nurse Practitioner, but nope not for me. I mean don't get me wrong I love Trauma, and how it's all fast paced and adrenaline laced, not to mention the prestige and honor saying I'm a Trauma NP, BUT...

I love working with people during a happy and exciting time of their life. As an nurse practitioner in OB I'll be worried less about saving lives, and more concerned with bringing lives into the world. How awesome would it be to go to work and deliver babies every day for a living. That's so much more ME... In retrospect, I've always known this in fact this was my very first choice in nursing. I even did my high school senior project on Nursing in Obstetrics but somehow, over the years I let the dream get away from me. Until I had OB in college, and it all came flooding right back to me.

So back to U of P, I'm definitely applying. Through their grad school I can be exactly what I always wanted to be and I don't have to choose between my love of OB and Women's Health since their program will allow duel certification I'll come out being a Women's Health Nurse Practitioner, and a Certified Nurse-Midwife. How fucking perfect is that?! Please god, let me get accepted into this program!! I did my research and I have it all figured out, I'll work and go to school part time for the next 3 years and I'll have my Masters by 27. Not bad huh???

My minds made up, and I am sooo excited.... Now all there's left to do is get accepted. ***Thinking positively***

** [E/D/I/T] **

SHIT!!! The only hole in my otherwise perfect plan: Going to that particular Grad School requires me to be here @ least another 3 years... Is it worth it?

Discouraged

I'm hyperventilating. I'm pretty much done with classes, graduation is about a month and some change away, and I still do not have a job. In the words of Tim Gunn, "this concerns me". I have an interview on Thursday, but I am like so discouraged. I want the job, but whether or not I'll get it is an entirely different story. All that think positive mumbo jumbo is going right out the window, I really doubt that I will get it. And with the week I am having I really cannot afford to waste time.

I'm going to go, I'm going to kick ass (I hope) I just hope it makes a difference. Like don't tell me I interview well, and then never call and/or turn me down for the job (ahem...clevelend!) I really don't want to get jerked around this time. I have been praying like crazy for G-d to send me a job offer, and then comes the phone call from this recruiter, so I hope this is it.

It will totally suck not to graduate with a job. And my mom made a good point, if I know where I'm going and what I'm doing that can kind of give people an idea for graduation gifts...like MONEY and stuff for my apartment, which I'm most definitely going to need. I'm just tired. Please g-d let this job be it. I don't know how much more I can take of this.

DENIED!!!

What it all boils down to is this: today I got rejected. The Doc called me and stopped beating around the bush, she gave me one big fat NO. I am not approved for kindey donation. It hurts. And yes, I did cry but I guess in the long run everything happens for a reason and this is what's best. They don't want to take one of my kidneys and risk that my kidneys may fail somewhere down the line. Especially because they have no idea whatsoever regarding the reason my brother's kidneys failed, and because I myself am spilling protein in my urine (which isn't normal) and again they don't know why. Whatever. I'm sad, but I am sort of ready to put this whole kidney business behind me I guess. I just want my brother to get a kidney and be healthy again. Can't be mine, so that sucks. But there's a bigger picture involved, so that's how it is and that's how it's going to be.

Earlier, after the doc called, and in between tears I got to thinking... the saddest thought ever. I am a kick ass sister, and daughter. I fought so hard to give my brother this peice of me. It hurts me to my soul that I can't. I have so much love for him that I would give him an organ, without question and yet... deep down inside I know that if he or my mom were to ever find out that I like girls, none of this would even matter. They'd hate me regardless. How fugged up is that? Now that this kidney drama has commenced (as far as I'm concerned) I have to seriously get back towards looking for a job. I have to get away. I have to move out on my own, to be the person that I truly am. I'm dying here, hiding and lying about who I am. I want to create my own life, and surround myself with people who love me regardless of who/what I am. I cancelled my California interview, but tomorrow I'll call and see what's up with Ohio State, and keep trying with National Children's Medical (my new first choice).

Man sometimes life can really throat punch the shit out of you. :(

Transplant Drama, as per usual.

I've had it up to my ears with this whole kidney transplant business. It's frustrating and stressing me so much.... if I didn't love my brother as much as I do I would totally reconsider and call the whole thing off. I didn't think it'd be this much work, and bullshit involved. Nothing has been easy about this mess... it's been nothing but a headache and a hard time. I am sooooo sick of this shit. And I feel bad because I know my kidney transplant team is only looking to protect my best interests but I am frustrated and annoyed...even by them! It's only so much a bitch can take. Geez!!!

Having said that I have to get off, and head BACK to the hospital for my CAT scan. I swear if I'm not approved for surgery within the next week, and if we don't have a date set almost immediately after, I am going to bust something. Enough, is enough!!

Signs

I've been contemplating whether or not I believe in signs. I heard in a movie once that all good signs come in threes. Right now I am so torn, and it's all over this UCLA interview. I want more than anything to go, but I pretty much have been back and forth about whether or not I'll actually make it simply because it is so friggin expensive.

Last time I checked with myself the answer was a definite no. But then I've been getting these little signs, that maybe I should go. First I was in the OR last night and in walks the circulating nurse with a "UCLA Nursing" lanyard around her neck. Then today I had the most fabulous day in the NICU, which is one of the units I'm scheduled to interview for. Like I can totally see myself doing that as a career. It felt...I don't know, RIGHT. Like home. Like that is what I'm supposed to be doing for the rest of my life.

One more "sign" and I figure I absolutely MUST go!! The price is killer though, so I don't know if it's finacially feasible [especially if I spend all that money and don't get it], but I really really want to now. The way I see it I have like two maybe three more days to decide... so I hope the decision comes easily between now and then. I hate to say this, but I'm going to go to bed and pray about it. Please Lord: if this job is good for me, if it's meant, if it's what you have planned for me, please make this whole trip and interview business happen. Thanks, MsLL.

Me, Lately...

Thursday ruined my life. This weekend totally made up for it. Let's just say I've been totally overwhelmed with life lately. School. Transplant Drama. Work. Graduation. Finding a job... Ugh it's all been just a bit much. Then Thursday seemed to be the straw that broke the camel's back.

Early Thursday morning I got a call from the Transplant Coordinator. And I do mean early. Early morning phone calls can never be good, especially from her. She who never calls. She had my lab results, from my second 24 hour urine. Still with the protein. At first she claimed it was from my period being on, but for the second time a whole week after the thing had come and gone, I am still pissing protein. And i.e. cannot be cleared for donation because duh, protein in your urine is not normal my kidneys might be failing. I broke down. Called my mom. She broke down. As if it isn't bad enough having to deal with the fact that hey, something might be wrong with my kidneys I also have to tell my brother, that I might not be able to donate to him.... Ugh. Thursday was soo not good.

What it all boils down to is, I have to do another 24 hour urine, just for them to be totally sure. Then if there's still protein there I'll be seeing a nephrologist to find out why. I hope it's all gone by....damn tomorrow. But who knows. I'm just going to try this whole thinking positive thing, and hope for the best. I really want to get this whole transplant business out of the way. I want to donate. I want it to all work out for my brother. I want him healthy again. The whole happily ever after you know.

Having said that, even if the protein is down to an acceptable level I doubt that they will let me donate over spring break which was the original game plan, so that frees some time for me to go to my interview at UCLA!!! Seems like the universe really wants me to make it. Hope the same goes for me actually getting the job and being able to accept and move out there. Life would once again make sense.

As for this weekend, I have done absolutely nothing for the entire thing. But lay in my bed, and watch movies. Yay for OC reruns. And yay for the mother helping me to complete the collection. I finally have the whole series, and can see how it all ended. It all makes me very excited for my interview, and the prospect of possible being a Cali girl one day. OMG imagine me, in LA. Don't mind if I do. Well my room, clothes, and the bathroom aren't going to clean themselves (although how awesome would it be if they would)....so I'm gone.

Life As I Know It

And now for another vol. of my weekly updates.

[-]I didn't get the job @ Cleveland Clinic. Bummer, but whatevs. I now have 2 new interviews pending...one in OH again this time in Columbus instead of Cleveland, and at the OH State University Hosp, instead of CCF. *Fingers cross, this one I'll get* Sue me, I happen to like Ohio. The other at the UCLA for L&D and NICU. Who knows if I'll actually make this one though. Oh and there's also an interview with Lehigh Valley pending...I have to call in schedule. But this one is most definitely a fall back position, considering it's in my current state. Who would have thought that Karen would be the first one to get a job. Never saw that one coming. 1 girlie down, the 3 of us to go.

[-]So after our meeting with the kidney transplant center, turns out that I'm a match for little bro (I happen to be the "universal donor") and we're currently in the process of me donating. If all goes well, the transplant will more than likely be at the end of this month or the very beginning of the next. Damn lately it seems like I stay under the knife. Everyone is making it out to be this really huge deal, I honestly don't get it. He's my brother why wouldn't I want to save his life? Not to quote Napolean Dynamite or anything but: "What the heck would you do in a situation like this?"

[-]My "donor" has taken to stalking me. I find it absolutely hilarious how in his mind, he's actually a good father. Truth of the matter is, he's a fucking dead beat and I will continue to treat him as such. He's dead to me. Needless to say I continue to ignore all his feeble attempts at contacting me. Funny how when graduation is near he all of a sudden wants to be a father. Where was he when I was about to get kicked out? No where to be found. Therefore as far as I'm concerned he got lost, and he can stay that way. Enough said.

[-]Work is work. TJ still sucks balls. But whatever it's money. Oh and this weekend working a double I actually met a guy. We've talked twice since, but I doubt it's going anywhere. And somehow I'm totally cool with that. Must be the Kiki in me, lol.

[-]School is still sucking the life outta me. This is a very rigorous semester. Nothing like senior year of high school, which was pretty much a fly by. It's kicking my ass but I'm weathering on. Speaking of which I have a bunch of studying to do, so I'm gone. Oy.... I just keep telling myself: 3 months and counting.

University Owned...

Just a few quick updates:

[-] My application status with CCF is still pending. So who knows? I'm still praying I get it though. I know, pathetic, right? /:)

[-] Cady and I have developed this new diet challenge to lose weight by graduation, cruise, and my vacation with the fam. I'm so super excited about it. And since it's sorta like a competition I can tell that I'm going to be totally dedicated. B-)

[-] This semester is going to be insane!!! My university is seriously trying to kill us before graduation, so who knows when I'll ever get time to stop in and just blog out the blue... From here on out I have to be in super student mode. #-o

[-]Random: I drank coffee, now I have excruciating boob pain. @-)

Merry Little Christmas?

They say if you want to hear G-d laugh, tell him your plans. Guess he's laughing his ass off at me./:)

Nothing has gone as I planned it would this Christmas, but it's cool... I'm feeling totally antisocial today anyway. =; So for me, it's going to be a Blockbuster day and night. Which suits me just fine actually.

I cannot wait for tomorrow, shopping all the after Christmas sales will be killer. 8-> Well not much for words today, so I hope it's a Merry Christmas for all those I love. Later.

I Feel Like Chicken Tonight...

To say I'm feeling pressured by this whole bring a dish to [christmas] dinner situation, would be an understatement. All of a sudden all of the confidence and excitement I felt has been replaced with panic and mania!~X( I don't think that I can do it, especially considering the only things I have made thus far in my so called "cooking career" have been reservations, a mess, and several small fires [shot out to Kelly Whitmore and Carrie B]. :-< I mean sure I'll have Granny there to guide me through these untried waters and all the trials and tribulations that come with, but I'll also have my uncle there taunting and just waiting for the finished project to be a hot tranny mess so that he can forever tease me about being a big fat cooking failure. :(

Ok maybe I'm being bit dramatic and painting him out to be a monster, he's really not but this is what I'm feeling. What I am so totally afraid of happening tomorrow. I have half the mind to call the whole thing off. I mean I have to learn considering that in just a few short months I will be completely out on my own, but maybe it would be better for me to learn when there's not so much pressure surrounding the entire issue, you know? Then there's braving the last minute Christmas Eve shoppers ...that doesn't sound to tempting or wise either. In my frayed state of mind the last thing I need is to be dropped into a crowded supermarket with people who have lost both their minds and their manners. Oy. :(

What About Your Friends? vol. 3

It's the end of the semester. That should totally explain my absence. I am friggin exhausted, and the end has only just begun. This week is full of the god awful HESI tests and next week is full of the god awful finals so I anticipate absolutely losing my mind [and many night's sleep] before all is said and done. 8-} Anyhow this entry is going to be short and sweet. I only dropped in to make my presence known in December since up to now I have yet to do so. And to also commemorate this moment in time, where I-Ms.LeadingLady have decided to go solo. @-)

I love la girlas and maybe it's the stress of the end of the semester and me being irritable and extra sensitive...IDK!! All I can say for sure is they (and more so Cady than anyone else) are driving me crazy. Maybe it's not them, it's me but I need a little break from our "Bromance". I need my space. I am so happy to have at least a month to myself away from them. Maybe absence really does make the heart grow fonder. In any case, I'm breaking away just for a bit. My new years resolution is to definitely be a lot less codependent on my "friends". /:)

Good Evening All, Yes I'm Alive & Well!

I've discovered it takes a special kind of person to abuse narcotics. The constipation alone would be enough for me to quit. This may be TMI but it is excruciating. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy, and I only took 8 pills over the course of 4 days, post op. I'm done. I mean I knew I was before the hours I spent crying in the bathroom begging G-d to release me...literally, but that was just the icing on the cake. They were glorious the first couple of days after the surgery, when my pain was kinda up there but there is no way I could find myself addicted.

Which is actually awesome to know, because I do have an addictive personality. I hate the way they made me feel after awhile. I don't know how people enjoy walking around in that haze of nothingness. For me, it was awful. Not only that I don't know if it is a general side effect of narcotics, but while I was on those pills I had the worst nightmares and far off dreams. Example, having a 70's dance party in my head, and I wasn't even completely sleep. Yeah... thank you, but I'll pass.

Other than that the surgery went fabulously, and I even got to see the lump that had been plauging my life for the past two years. I think I asked in my post anesthesia induced stupor and the doctor was sweet enough to oblige. My god it was HUGE. I'm talking the size of a small potatoe. Insane, right? I'm just happy it's all over and I'm well on my way to healing. My only complaint postop is that these damn dissovable sutures itch like a bitch. Well that and the fact that I can't shower until Tuesday, when I have my follow up appointment, which is killing me. But other than that everything is lovely. Er.... almost. This new diet kind of sucks, but it's what's best for me and slowely I'm learning to live with it. #-o

Thank G-d for Scholarships!/Post Secret Vol. 2

The weight of the world...has literally been lifted from my shoulders. I could not be happier now, with my school of nursing. Thanks to a $13,000 scholarship I finally have all the money I need for school and it is official I will be graduating come May 2009! I can't even begin to explain how relieving this is all feels. It is everything I wanted, definitely everything I needed. I can finally breathe, sit back, and enjoy senior year...well not really because there's still academics to fret over but at least now I'm not juggling the stress of academics and the added stress of finances (0r the lack thereof). Academics I can handle, that's the easy part believe it or not. Now I can work and rest assured that all my hard work is money in the bank, not to be signed over to the university. Let's just say this makes this scholarship makes my life a million times easier. ;]

In other news, I realize how emo I was with my last post, and after really thinking about it I realized that I don't really want to be OUT. I mean at least not to my family, and probably not to my friends either. My sexuality is kinda a part of my life that I want to keep private. They don't need to know or have that part of me. Which probably doesn't make sense to anyone but me, but whatevs. That's one of the main reasons that I'm excited to graduate and relocate. Going to a place where no one knows my name. I can start over fresh. Tabala rosa, you know. A blank slate, and then I can be whomever I want to be. Like I said this probably doesn't make much sense and I'm too wiped to sit and explain so just know that finally, I'm content. :]

Lesbian, MD

So today I had my first appointment with the new PCP, and I'm kind of hiding it from the mother. Shit would hit the fan if she knew being as though this woman is an OUT lesbian. Everyone in the community knows it, and silly me...I've been avoiding seeing her for like the longest time because of it. As if my going to her would somehow OUT me. Truth of the matter is lesbian or not she's a really nice person, and from all that I've seen today a really good doctor. Her being invested in helping me to be healthy and stay healthy is all that mattered to me in choosing her, seeing as though it's not like she's young or hot. I had a doctor that was pretty much impossible to see without waiting months for an appointment so finally I said screw it, and picked Dr. Lez.

Of course there was the prerequisite nervousness I always feel when I'm around lesbians... I always feel so weird around other women lovers like they can somehow smell the gay in me. I know I'm completely insane but I'm always fearful that their gaydays are sounding loud and proud whenever I get within a five foot radius of them. This wouldn't always necessarily be a bad thing especially considering the fact that this could attract really great potential, but when I'm around family or other people who are none-the-wiser this sets off constant fear of being outted. God, I'm such a freak right? Long story short, regardless of my doc's sexual preference she gets the job done and I feel comfortable in her care. Today felt like the beginning of a long and prosperous doctor/patient relationship. =)

Obtw...Boob Drama Update, my surgical consult is scheduled. More info to come next Tuesday.