Bitch Fest...

I know I haven't been visiting and writing as much but life is all around pretty sucky right now. Well not really, but for this past week I've been feeling like ick, and before that I was just to damn busy. Maybe it's the weather, but I'm feeling hella depressed all of a sudden. I swear I have SAD (seasonal affective disorder), no joke. When the weather sucks, I pretty much suck right along with it. Anyhow I'm definitely feeling a little OWL. I'm broke, I'm lonely, and I'm hella stressed and annoyed about almost everything. A bitch on wheels is what I feel like.

It's a huge cycle of wretchedness. Like I need money so I need to work, but I hate my job, and I also don't really have the time to make the money I need anyhow, and I don't want to work those kind of hours anyways because I hate the whole atmosphere of TJ. But then it's like when I don't work I have to hear my mom bitch about devoting her whole check to bills, and paying for this and not having the money to pay for that and I mean I want to help but how can I when I have my own stuff going on, like bills, senior year, conventions, vacations, job searching.

Which brings me to my next point...grr, job searching. This fucking economy has even us nursing students STUCK. Like since when do nursing majors have to scrap for jobs? In the past hospitals used to be at our feet begging us to come work for them, throwing all kinds of incentives our way to get us in the door. Well those days are long gone, much to my dismay. I hate telling people I graduate in May and the next question out of their mouths is "Do you have a job yet?" Ummm....a big fat no!! I wish. I'm whoring myself out to every hospital, applying for units I have no interest in whatsoever just to find someone anyone who will take me. I honestly cannot graduate and not have a gig. I really and trully cannot afford it. And I mean school is drawing to a close quicker than I want to even acknowledge. It's all one big suckfest. And through it all I'm still trying to stay positive. Still trying to bust my ass and git r done, but I don't know. On days like this it all gets to be just a bit overwhelming...and I feel like the weight of the world is on my shoulder. Er.

Even my friends are starting to bother me, lord knows for the past two weeks I've been really wanting to KILL Cady. She's such a loud mouthed, attention craved BUTINSKI and I swear its been irking my SOUL. I love her to death but with the way I've been feeling I'm really not feeling her as of late. And I really haven't been wanting to mention it aloud but I'm really feeling lonely too. Like I want to be in love. With a girl, because God knows a boy just doesn't do it for me, romantically on that level...at least of late. The Officer I met that time at work called me some time ago, and I mean I could have feigned interest in him just to be involved with someone, but in my mind I know there's no chemistry and I just felt like ew, I don't really want to be in a relationship with a dude right now. Does that make me bisexual still? I don't even want to think about. It's just problems on top of problems. And I think I've bitched enough so I'm going to just leave it at that for now. Hope I can come back next time in a much better mood, with even better news.

Saving Face

I think my mom knows I like girls... She might not admit to it, or ever speak it aloud, but deep down inside I'm pretty sure she knows. That scares the shit out of me. I don't want her to know. EVER. The only way I'd feel comfortable with her knowing that I love la ladies, is if she could somehow find a way to be TOTALLY cool about it. To accept, and love me just the same. Only if, her knowing that I'm into girls was as if someone had told her I liked the color pink. No big deal, nothing for her to even bat an eyelash at.

This of course, will never EVER happen therefore I never EVER want her to know. I love her, I don't want her to hate me. Or to be ashamed of me, and what I am. I mean I sort of get the short end of the stick having to hide who/what I am, always living on edge terrified of her finding me out, but besides all of this I like our relationship just the way it is. I don't want it to change. And her knowing for fact that I am into females would change EVERYTHING. Who needs it? That's why I simply want to fade away to another state perhaps far across country, and live out that part of my life with her being absolutely none the wiser.

DENIED!!!

What it all boils down to is this: today I got rejected. The Doc called me and stopped beating around the bush, she gave me one big fat NO. I am not approved for kindey donation. It hurts. And yes, I did cry but I guess in the long run everything happens for a reason and this is what's best. They don't want to take one of my kidneys and risk that my kidneys may fail somewhere down the line. Especially because they have no idea whatsoever regarding the reason my brother's kidneys failed, and because I myself am spilling protein in my urine (which isn't normal) and again they don't know why. Whatever. I'm sad, but I am sort of ready to put this whole kidney business behind me I guess. I just want my brother to get a kidney and be healthy again. Can't be mine, so that sucks. But there's a bigger picture involved, so that's how it is and that's how it's going to be.

Earlier, after the doc called, and in between tears I got to thinking... the saddest thought ever. I am a kick ass sister, and daughter. I fought so hard to give my brother this peice of me. It hurts me to my soul that I can't. I have so much love for him that I would give him an organ, without question and yet... deep down inside I know that if he or my mom were to ever find out that I like girls, none of this would even matter. They'd hate me regardless. How fugged up is that? Now that this kidney drama has commenced (as far as I'm concerned) I have to seriously get back towards looking for a job. I have to get away. I have to move out on my own, to be the person that I truly am. I'm dying here, hiding and lying about who I am. I want to create my own life, and surround myself with people who love me regardless of who/what I am. I cancelled my California interview, but tomorrow I'll call and see what's up with Ohio State, and keep trying with National Children's Medical (my new first choice).

Man sometimes life can really throat punch the shit out of you. :(

Transplant Drama, as per usual.

I've had it up to my ears with this whole kidney transplant business. It's frustrating and stressing me so much.... if I didn't love my brother as much as I do I would totally reconsider and call the whole thing off. I didn't think it'd be this much work, and bullshit involved. Nothing has been easy about this mess... it's been nothing but a headache and a hard time. I am sooooo sick of this shit. And I feel bad because I know my kidney transplant team is only looking to protect my best interests but I am frustrated and annoyed...even by them! It's only so much a bitch can take. Geez!!!

Having said that I have to get off, and head BACK to the hospital for my CAT scan. I swear if I'm not approved for surgery within the next week, and if we don't have a date set almost immediately after, I am going to bust something. Enough, is enough!!

Signs

I've been contemplating whether or not I believe in signs. I heard in a movie once that all good signs come in threes. Right now I am so torn, and it's all over this UCLA interview. I want more than anything to go, but I pretty much have been back and forth about whether or not I'll actually make it simply because it is so friggin expensive.

Last time I checked with myself the answer was a definite no. But then I've been getting these little signs, that maybe I should go. First I was in the OR last night and in walks the circulating nurse with a "UCLA Nursing" lanyard around her neck. Then today I had the most fabulous day in the NICU, which is one of the units I'm scheduled to interview for. Like I can totally see myself doing that as a career. It felt...I don't know, RIGHT. Like home. Like that is what I'm supposed to be doing for the rest of my life.

One more "sign" and I figure I absolutely MUST go!! The price is killer though, so I don't know if it's finacially feasible [especially if I spend all that money and don't get it], but I really really want to now. The way I see it I have like two maybe three more days to decide... so I hope the decision comes easily between now and then. I hate to say this, but I'm going to go to bed and pray about it. Please Lord: if this job is good for me, if it's meant, if it's what you have planned for me, please make this whole trip and interview business happen. Thanks, MsLL.

Me, Lately...

Thursday ruined my life. This weekend totally made up for it. Let's just say I've been totally overwhelmed with life lately. School. Transplant Drama. Work. Graduation. Finding a job... Ugh it's all been just a bit much. Then Thursday seemed to be the straw that broke the camel's back.

Early Thursday morning I got a call from the Transplant Coordinator. And I do mean early. Early morning phone calls can never be good, especially from her. She who never calls. She had my lab results, from my second 24 hour urine. Still with the protein. At first she claimed it was from my period being on, but for the second time a whole week after the thing had come and gone, I am still pissing protein. And i.e. cannot be cleared for donation because duh, protein in your urine is not normal my kidneys might be failing. I broke down. Called my mom. She broke down. As if it isn't bad enough having to deal with the fact that hey, something might be wrong with my kidneys I also have to tell my brother, that I might not be able to donate to him.... Ugh. Thursday was soo not good.

What it all boils down to is, I have to do another 24 hour urine, just for them to be totally sure. Then if there's still protein there I'll be seeing a nephrologist to find out why. I hope it's all gone by....damn tomorrow. But who knows. I'm just going to try this whole thinking positive thing, and hope for the best. I really want to get this whole transplant business out of the way. I want to donate. I want it to all work out for my brother. I want him healthy again. The whole happily ever after you know.

Having said that, even if the protein is down to an acceptable level I doubt that they will let me donate over spring break which was the original game plan, so that frees some time for me to go to my interview at UCLA!!! Seems like the universe really wants me to make it. Hope the same goes for me actually getting the job and being able to accept and move out there. Life would once again make sense.

As for this weekend, I have done absolutely nothing for the entire thing. But lay in my bed, and watch movies. Yay for OC reruns. And yay for the mother helping me to complete the collection. I finally have the whole series, and can see how it all ended. It all makes me very excited for my interview, and the prospect of possible being a Cali girl one day. OMG imagine me, in LA. Don't mind if I do. Well my room, clothes, and the bathroom aren't going to clean themselves (although how awesome would it be if they would)....so I'm gone.

Life As I Know It

And now for another vol. of my weekly updates.

[-]I didn't get the job @ Cleveland Clinic. Bummer, but whatevs. I now have 2 new interviews pending...one in OH again this time in Columbus instead of Cleveland, and at the OH State University Hosp, instead of CCF. *Fingers cross, this one I'll get* Sue me, I happen to like Ohio. The other at the UCLA for L&D and NICU. Who knows if I'll actually make this one though. Oh and there's also an interview with Lehigh Valley pending...I have to call in schedule. But this one is most definitely a fall back position, considering it's in my current state. Who would have thought that Karen would be the first one to get a job. Never saw that one coming. 1 girlie down, the 3 of us to go.

[-]So after our meeting with the kidney transplant center, turns out that I'm a match for little bro (I happen to be the "universal donor") and we're currently in the process of me donating. If all goes well, the transplant will more than likely be at the end of this month or the very beginning of the next. Damn lately it seems like I stay under the knife. Everyone is making it out to be this really huge deal, I honestly don't get it. He's my brother why wouldn't I want to save his life? Not to quote Napolean Dynamite or anything but: "What the heck would you do in a situation like this?"

[-]My "donor" has taken to stalking me. I find it absolutely hilarious how in his mind, he's actually a good father. Truth of the matter is, he's a fucking dead beat and I will continue to treat him as such. He's dead to me. Needless to say I continue to ignore all his feeble attempts at contacting me. Funny how when graduation is near he all of a sudden wants to be a father. Where was he when I was about to get kicked out? No where to be found. Therefore as far as I'm concerned he got lost, and he can stay that way. Enough said.

[-]Work is work. TJ still sucks balls. But whatever it's money. Oh and this weekend working a double I actually met a guy. We've talked twice since, but I doubt it's going anywhere. And somehow I'm totally cool with that. Must be the Kiki in me, lol.

[-]School is still sucking the life outta me. This is a very rigorous semester. Nothing like senior year of high school, which was pretty much a fly by. It's kicking my ass but I'm weathering on. Speaking of which I have a bunch of studying to do, so I'm gone. Oy.... I just keep telling myself: 3 months and counting.