Tis The Season...

Ga! I love the friggin holidays! Thought I'd just put that out there. Not a big fan of the whole winter season but the holidays it brings...loves it! :"> Everything about this time of year makes me all warm and fuzzy inside. Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years... all such amazing ways to end the year. And with the year's end in mind I am getting so like overly excited for 2009...and more importantly graduation. 2009 just seems to be the beginning of the rest of my life...scary but exciting nonetheless. I am sooo ready [I think]. ;;)

So Grams is on board, she's all in with helping me learn to cook. Which is awesome because my new goal is to bring homeade deliciousness to my uncle's dinner this year. I shall not be outdone, and like I said before the time has definitely come. I found this cute little recipe website, I cannot wait!!! Speaking of the Uncles, though I have an affinity for the fairer sex, let's just say if I am ever to fall in love with a dude, I want him to be just like my uncles. I know they say girls fall in love with guys like their fathers...um, no thank you I'll definitely pass on that. I have the greatest uncles in the world. If I could get both of my uncles mixed into one male being, that's the kind of guy I'd want to spend the rest of my life with. :)

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So I just applied for graduate nurse positions at both Cedars-Sinai & the UCLA Medical Center... I absolutely MUST get one of them. Please G-d make it happen, LA: oh how I crave thee!!!! :-SS

Wait, What?

The time has come. I want [need] to learn how to cook. 8-}

Me? Cooking? I know, right? Who would have ever thought those two things would coexist within the same sentence, let alone reality. But seriously. It's happening. I'm going to learn to cook. Something about this holiday season is getting me all excited about following recipes and making holiday treats and meals.

I'm feeling all Rachel Ray, all of a sudden. Bare with me.

Good Evening All, Yes I'm Alive & Well!

I've discovered it takes a special kind of person to abuse narcotics. The constipation alone would be enough for me to quit. This may be TMI but it is excruciating. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy, and I only took 8 pills over the course of 4 days, post op. I'm done. I mean I knew I was before the hours I spent crying in the bathroom begging G-d to release me...literally, but that was just the icing on the cake. They were glorious the first couple of days after the surgery, when my pain was kinda up there but there is no way I could find myself addicted.

Which is actually awesome to know, because I do have an addictive personality. I hate the way they made me feel after awhile. I don't know how people enjoy walking around in that haze of nothingness. For me, it was awful. Not only that I don't know if it is a general side effect of narcotics, but while I was on those pills I had the worst nightmares and far off dreams. Example, having a 70's dance party in my head, and I wasn't even completely sleep. Yeah... thank you, but I'll pass.

Other than that the surgery went fabulously, and I even got to see the lump that had been plauging my life for the past two years. I think I asked in my post anesthesia induced stupor and the doctor was sweet enough to oblige. My god it was HUGE. I'm talking the size of a small potatoe. Insane, right? I'm just happy it's all over and I'm well on my way to healing. My only complaint postop is that these damn dissovable sutures itch like a bitch. Well that and the fact that I can't shower until Tuesday, when I have my follow up appointment, which is killing me. But other than that everything is lovely. Er.... almost. This new diet kind of sucks, but it's what's best for me and slowely I'm learning to live with it. #-o

What About Your Friends? vol. 2

So my upcoming surgery which will actually take place in just a few hours, for some reason has me evaluating and classifying my current friendships. The way I now see it is that I have three degrees of friendships, and oddly enough each one of la girlas can be classified accordingly.

To begin, there's the first degree friend. Similar to a burn, the first degree friend is the most superficial. We're cordial and we sporadically hang out, sit and study together for classes but after college is over we'll of course promise to keep in touch but we'll probably never speak to each other again. According to la girlas this of course is Karen*. It is safe to say that I will not be getting a call from her to see if all went well with the surgery.

Next, you have the second degree friend. This friend is partial thickness, an on occasion fair weather friend. This person is a bit more involved then the first degree considering you hang out about 50% of the time and you divulge minor secrets and facts about yourselves to each other. But the second degree friend is not someone to count on through thick and thin to be there for you whenever through whatever. This is most definitely Miss GG*, and it could go either way with her. While I would love to think that she would remember me and call to see that I am ok, I'd be shocked if she actually did. I realized awhile ago that GG is not someone I can count on.

Finally that brings me to Cady*, my third degree friend. She's "my person" and that basically sums the third degrees up. They're the ones you know you can go to for and with anything and no matter what they'd be there for you. Your loyal support system. Third degrees are the type of friends that you should work to keep close forever. There is no doubt in my mind that Cady will call me and see what's up. This friendship is based on truth, love and loyalty. Cady is the one I'd expect to ride or die.

I'm the type of person who likes to know where I stand with people. At least then there's no surprises or let downs when you know just what to expect. Like I said it could go either way with GG and I already know that, but I can't lie and say that I won't be just a bit dissapointed if I don't hear from her. [-(

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SO it turns out that I was exactly right in all my predictions. Cady called me everyday that I was out, as for GG and Karen: not so much. But in Karen's defense the poor girl didn't even realize I had surgery. What can I say? I only talked about it in her presence about a gillion times, but the girl is an air head of epic proportions. She was thoroughly concerned and sweet however when the fact finally seeped in to that brain of hers... Maybe I have her degree of friendship confused with GG's. *Something to consider* :-? In addition, I was a bit disappointed in the fact that I didn't hear from GG and our friendship was on the brink of extinction but she was cool when I finally returned to school, carrying my bag and buying me breakfast so I guess I'll build a bridge and get over it.

What Happens in the 'burg Stays in the 'burg!

So I spent the past three days sleeping next to a beautiful woman & I'm probably one of the only people alive who says that and actually means "sleep". I've been well aware of my crush on G.G for awhile now and our little trip did not help the situation not one little bit. I am so attracted to her it's ridiculous. Sleeping in such close proximity and spending so much time with her over the past few days was absolutely brutal but alas I got through it just before falling madly in love with her and completely ruining our friendship by "accidently" touching her inappropriately during her sleep (totally joking about the last part, lol). /:)

Nevertheless Harrisburg was awesome. The convention was a bit draining but it was great to get away and cut loose. And when I say cut loose boy do I mean it. Thursday night was insane. My first time getting "white girl" wasted, and although I paid for it the next day with a wicked hangover, good times were had by all. La girlas are still laughing at my drunk ass. Supposedly Lady Gaga's "Just Dance" was meant for me that night. All I can say is thank God no one video taped, and what happens in the 'burg stays in the 'burg. Starting the night off with a drink that was practically all top shelf Tequila (Patrone) was a very bad choice. I was pretty much screwed from the very beginning. G.G followed suit and by the end of the night we were both giggling idiots, right before passing out on one another. :"> I wish I could say that was the first and the last time...but I'd probably be lying through my teeth. I had a blast and if I had to do it all over again I know I probably would.

In other news I met a shit load of potential employers at the career fair and my hope for my future in nursing has finally been restored. I am so excited to start applying, interviewing, and hopefully relocating. There are a bunch of in state hospitals I'm going to apply for but you know my real hope is to get one out of the tristate. I have a lot more hospitals to choose from, but much research is going to go into them all. Although they are out of state, some of the locations are iffy. It's weird that this is one of my priorities but I'm definitely looking to relocate somewhere with a prominent LGBT scene. This is why LA has always been my first choice. But I'm slowly coming to the realization that it's going to take some time before I'm able to afford to live in a place like Cali. DC doesn't seem like such a bad choice, and neither does B-More these days, but we shall see.

Pinch Hitter?

I'm thinking of linking back up with "School Supplies". I'm not desperate, just lonely. There is no feeling there whatsoever. But talking to him makes me feel wanted. And most importantly not so lonely. I am a terrible person for even considering using him for my own personal gain knowing that we can never and will never amount to anything major... All the while also knowing from him making it absolutely crystal that he wants us to be just that. It's just that for me, in this moment some companionship is better than none at all. Maybe I am desperate. But I think I'm going to go on seriously considering sending him a little friendly "Hey you, been thinking of you" text and see what happens. God, I'm going to hell. >:)

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Ok so in a moment of weakness I did wind up texting him, but immediately regretted it afterwards and never texted him back. I strongly considered deleting him all together since I seriously doubt that I'll ever contact him again, but haven't done so yet. All I know is he's not for me. I don't think any "he" is, at this point in time. I'm not going to rush into anything especially something that's not real with no possibilities of ever going anywhere. So Lesson Learned!!!

Crazy Love. ♥

After much hesitance about writing this post, I've finally decided: whatever let me just put it out there in the universe. Lately I've been having this really yucky feeling of loneliness. In the past I've been all about my freedom and flying solo, standing alone, Ms. Independent...all of a sudden now, not so much. I want the movie script ending. To be in a relationship and fall head over heels in love.

To be completely addicted and committed. I want the impromptu missing you phone calls, and thinking of you texts. Dinner dates, and holding hands. Lazy kisses, lingering hugs, cuddling... nervous first time "I love you's", the breaking up then making up. I want it all.

Carrie B said it best, "I'm looking for love. Real love. Ridiculous, inconvenient, time consuming, can't-live-without each other love." But somehow, I don't think that kind of love exists for me in this shit hole city or state (or with a guy, if I'm being completely honest) :(

The Race Is On...Election Night 2008

This election is downright frightening. I feel like my whole life depends on this night and who wins the presidency. There is no way in hell McCain can win this election...my future is at stake.

In these trying times anyone who doesn't get out and vote (Obama) should be shot (in the face). I'm so nervous. Literally shaking with fear over what's to come. Oy. *_*

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Congratulations President [elect] Obama!!! Last night history was made and I am so proud to have been a part of it. Last night made me proud to be an American. I am so optimistic for the future. Thank you America. =D

Thank G-d for Scholarships!/Post Secret Vol. 2

The weight of the world...has literally been lifted from my shoulders. I could not be happier now, with my school of nursing. Thanks to a $13,000 scholarship I finally have all the money I need for school and it is official I will be graduating come May 2009! I can't even begin to explain how relieving this is all feels. It is everything I wanted, definitely everything I needed. I can finally breathe, sit back, and enjoy senior year...well not really because there's still academics to fret over but at least now I'm not juggling the stress of academics and the added stress of finances (0r the lack thereof). Academics I can handle, that's the easy part believe it or not. Now I can work and rest assured that all my hard work is money in the bank, not to be signed over to the university. Let's just say this makes this scholarship makes my life a million times easier. ;]

In other news, I realize how emo I was with my last post, and after really thinking about it I realized that I don't really want to be OUT. I mean at least not to my family, and probably not to my friends either. My sexuality is kinda a part of my life that I want to keep private. They don't need to know or have that part of me. Which probably doesn't make sense to anyone but me, but whatevs. That's one of the main reasons that I'm excited to graduate and relocate. Going to a place where no one knows my name. I can start over fresh. Tabala rosa, you know. A blank slate, and then I can be whomever I want to be. Like I said this probably doesn't make much sense and I'm too wiped to sit and explain so just know that finally, I'm content. :]

It Takes Courage...

Please excuse me while I suffer through what I'm pretty sure is an existential crisis. On second thought, maybe not so much. The thing is I know exactly who I am. I am almost absolutely positive that I know what and who I want.

I hate this person I pretend to be. While I try to convince myself that I can continue on living this lie, and eventually wind up happy and content in the long run, somehow I seriously doubt that's the truth. I'm suffocating with fear that I'll be stuck in this same position forever. This cannot be the life that I am meant to live forever. I pray to God that there's more to my life, than this.

I've been going back and forth with this for years now, and I feel like I'm dying here. I have got to get OUT. I am not being dramatic, I can honestly say that this is killing me.

And yet through it all somehow, I still find myself fearing the alternative :[